ADHD and Pregnancy | Different Brains Speaker Series
ADHD and Pregnancy
DifferentBrains.org is excited to present our latest virtual panel “ADHD & Pregnancy”. Join us as our panel of experts – all of whom are self-advocates, parents, and clinicians – highlight challenges and offer tips for carrying a child while managing your ADHD. This is the first of a two part webinar series on ADHD & Motherhood. Part two can be seen here.
–OUR PANELISTS–
- Beatrice Moise, M.S., BCCS (ADHD Self-Advocate / Author / Parent / Board Certified Cognitive Specialist / BeatriceMoise.com)
- Brooke Whitfield-Fattovich, MS, LMHC, NCC (ADHD Self-Advocate / Parent / Licensed Psychotherapist / https://www.instagram.com/The_Place_Psychotherapy/)
- Brooke Schnittman, MA, PCC, BCC (ADHD Self-Advocate / Author / Parent / ADHD & Exec. Functioning Coach / Co-host of ADHD Power Tools / CoachingWithBrooke.com)
- Lindsay Turner, MS, LMHC, NCC (ADHD Self-Advocate/ Parent / Licensed Psychotherapist / therapywithlindz@gmail.com)
- Stephanie Confalone, MA (ADHD Self-Advocate / Parent / Php Primary Therapist / smconfalone@gmail.com)
TRANSCRIPTION
MIKE NICKAS (MN):
Hi, everyone. Welcome to our Different Brains speaker series webinar on ADHD and pregnancy. My name is Mike Nickas, and I’m a team member at Different Brains, I want to thank everyone for attending. Different Brains strives to encourage understanding and acceptance of individuals who have variations in brain function and social behaviors, known as neurodiversity. Our mission has three pillars to increase awareness of neurodiversity by producing media content, to foster the next generation of neurodivergent self advocates and to mentor neurodiverse adults and maximizing their potential for employment and independence. We promote awareness through the production of a variety of neurodivergent media content, including our multiple web series, blogs, podcasts, movies, and documentaries, all available for free at different brands.org. All of our content is worked on by those in the mentorship program, through which we aid individuals and taking the first step toward achieving their goals and finding their voice. To find more information. Or to make a tax deductible donation, please visit our website at different brands.org. Before we start, I want to invite everyone to send questions using the q&a feature in zoom, or by putting questions in the chat box. This webinar will have the live closed captioning generated by otter.ai. These can be controlled using the captions button on your zoom dashboard. Now I’m going to hand it over to our moderator for this evening, Brooke Whitfield Fattovich.
BROOKE WHITFIELD-FATTOVICH (BWF):
Thank you, Mike. So I am Brooke Whitfield Fattovich. I am the moderator. I’m super excited to have this panel here tonight for ADHD and pregnancy. So to begin, if we could get a brief introduction from everyone, as well as include how many children you have and how old they are, I can get us started. So I’m a mom. I’m a wife. I’m a licensed mental health counselor. I just started my practice this year. I’m a PhD student and an ADHD advocate. And I have two children. I have an 18 year old son Shaden. And I have a 15 month old baby girl, Lily. So I got this kind of interesting experience of having a huge age gap between my kids. So to start, let’s give it handed over to be and then everyone can just jump in and introduce themselves.
BEA MOISE (BM):
Hi, I am I’m Beatrice Moise, but I go by Bea and I am a board certified cognitive specialists. But I am a parenting coach for neurodivergent families. I also am an author and a writer. But I have a book called “Our Neurodivergent Journey”, which is basically my journey with my son, who is 13 years old with autism, but it’s basically a story from all the things that we did. I tried to do I shouldn’t have done I wish I did differently. Just that journey from zero to 10 of how different he looks now. Jake is 13 he has autism. And I have a daughter who is 12. So unlike you broke my gap is very small. It’s a tiny, tiny gap. And I have a 12 year old daughter her name is Abby and she has ADHD inattentive and I have ADHD hyperactive so and we have a very neurodivergent household. It’s it’s it’s a little bit chaotic, but it’s also comfortable at the same time because it’s familiar. So that’s my story.
BWF:
Let’s go over to Stephanie.
STEPHANIE CONFALONE (SC):
Hi, I’m Stephanie. I am a first time mom. My son Camden is three months and one week old today. I am actually back in my first week at work after maternity leave. So this is a big and challenging, emotionally challenging week for me. I am a primary therapist, mental health therapists and I work at a substance abuse treatment center for all women here in Delray Beach.
BWF:
Let’s go to Brooke.
BROOKE SCHNITTMAN (BS):
I’m the other Brooke. And I have been working with ADHDers for 20 years but I didn’t know that I had ADHD until six years ago now. And then six months after that and my non diagnosed husband and his two kids who are my step sons and we’re all n diagnosed ADHD family. And I have a two and a half year old toddler who displays ADHD symptoms. I’m an ADHD coach, and my company is coaching with Brooke, we have eight coaches in 25 different countries. And we’ve been working with 1000s of ADHDers for six years. So happy to be here.
BWF:
And Lindsay.
LINDSAY TURNER (LT):
Okay, so my name is Lindsay. I am a licensed mental health therapist. I am also an ADHD advocate. I’m a single mother by choice of so I I’m I’m also a mom of new mom percent of the mom. 14 month old Reagan. And I just heard her cry in background and just leave for one second. So I was like, oh, shoot. But yeah, so I am diagnosed with ADHD as well. And I have been for almost forever, but I think we’ll get into that in a little bit.
BWF:
Thanks, guys. So let’s move on to the first question. If you could tell us a little bit about your ADHD story as far as what age you were diagnosed, what was the biggest challenge for you, and then whatever role medication was in your life, we can start with Stephanie with that one.
SC:
As a child, I definitely had behavioral issues in classes. I wasn’t officially diagnosed with ADHD until 2007. When I was entering grad school, in my undergrad experience, I you know, struggled with completing assignments. And it was very apparent that a separate ADHD like throughout my childhood, adolescence and early adulthood, it wasn’t until I was going to be entering the higher level of education that I knew that I should see a psychiatrist you know, get diagnosed, or be able to get the proper help services resources that I needed to be going into my field and into my education. So in 2007, I saw a psychiatrist as well, as a neurologist, I was diagnosed, and that’s when I first I was placed on medication. With Adderall, which I use throughout grad school. I didn’t initially reveal my diagnosis to my school because I was nervous about the stigma. And once I did, I was able to get you know, special accommodations with, you know, testing time and a half being able to get services and accommodations that I needed. So that is where my journey with medication began. And I think we’ll talk about discontinuation of medication and a little bit.
BWF:
Thanks, who wants to jump in next?
LT:
I can go. Okay, so I was diagnosed, I, I think, as far back as like third grade, and I’ve had behavioral issues a little bit too. I was never focusing, I couldn’t focus at all. And I would always rush to get all my homework done before the end of class, or I was late. So it was either one or the other. I stayed up really late, often, like just reading or doing my homework or exercising or just doing something always, all night long. I don’t know, playing with my clothes, my dolls, whatever it was. I think it was a little pass balls. But you know. But so, yeah, I just but my mom was a licensed psychologist. So she had me just do all the testing with someone in her practice. But I didn’t actually use any of this diagnosis or testing because the stigma until honestly, ever really in some ways, except for in more recent careers. I have so I have been on and off Adderall since I don’t know, I guess. Around freshman year of college, I was diagnosed I didn’t want to tell Well, I actually tried to go to my school at the time I was in hospitality was actually another major, which they didn’t switch the hospitality. But I tried to talk to them at Syracuse, and the process was horrible. It was just really awful. And so I just decided I wanted nothing to do with it. And it was just too much work for me even trying to get any kind of extra help of any kind. So I didn’t do it. Luckily, when I switched majors and hospitality was a little bit smaller, so it’s a little more accommodating than the big school environment that was not as accommodating. But nonetheless, I didn’t feel like I should share this. And then when I went into mental health, I also felt like I didn’t want to share it because I was stigma so I just I was on medication outside, but on and off. And then I would say that going into the work field workforce, I had to actually say something because then you go to tech, you get tested, drug tested. So scary. It was like, Okay, well, are they gonna, like accept me at this job? Because I take Adderall. So, but everything’s okay. And yeah, so that’s, that’s my sort of medication.
BWF:
Thanks. Brooke or Bea?
BM:
Um, so I was, I didn’t know, I did not know I had ADHD. But I knew I had ADHD. I knew I was different. And I knew I processed information differently. It wasn’t until I got into grad school, and we were learning about neurological differences. So as I was learning about ADHD, I remember this quite vividly, because I raised my hand asking the professor, is it everyone with ADHD that presents this way? Or can you be normal and present this way? Like, can you just be this way and not have ADHD? And she was like, no, no, that’s that’s not a thing. Because I was literally like, hitting every single last, like ding, ding ding. But what I think what I found interesting, is I present with the male version, because I have ADHD hyperactive. I don’t have ADHD inattentive, which tend to be predominantly female. So my coping mechanism, I just did, you know, like, I just did what I needed to do. And also, there’s an additional stigma with, you know, the, you know, African American community with medication anyway. So it wasn’t like an option, right? It wasn’t like, Oh, you have this thing. So now you need to take medication for it. It’s, you don’t have this thing because I was first like, because I went to my mom, and I’m like, Hey, I think I think I have ADHD, and she was like, No, you don’t, and she has it too. So that’s a different story. Um, so it was like, you know, trying to navigate that world. But I can say by not being on medication, I developed a lot of different coping mechanisms. And I also develop a great deal of anxiety. So that’s great. To be basically a perfectionist. So you, you figure out how to cope.
And adulthood, I attempted medication. I did not like it because it numbed me. And the numbing is again, I don’t have an attentive, I have hyperactive, I like to go go go, right. Like I like the desire to get up and do. So it gave me this, I want to do, but I can’t. So now I’m just in Purgatory. Like, I’m just sitting here I want to do I want to do I want to do but I can’t. Um, so it didn’t work for me. But I found I’m big into neuroscience. I do a lot of you know, ADHD, and neuroscience and my coaching. And I’m big into hacks and tools and brain and tapping into dopamine and figuring how serotonin works. Like I’m really big into the neuroscience of ADHD. So I just my medicine is my neuroscience way of, oh, I just need a spoon of peanut butter. Okay, I didn’t know that was a thing. But just all these different hacks that I’ve learned along the way to tap into dopamine to motivate me to find serotonin when I don’t feel like you know, when I’m low, and I need that feedback. So that’s kind of like my journey. I discovered it in grad school. It really has heightened itself. Now that I am older, and now that I’m like, Oh, wait, my tricks aren’t working anymore. Like the things that were that I used to do that I could do, I can no longer do and it really showcase itself after the birth of my son Jake. Because now it was like, you know, I’m getting whatever he gave me right and, and I have my own hormones. And it was just I had to kind of learn new coping mechanisms again. But it was always just been a journey, but I I liked the hard work. It’s not for everyone. And as I said before, my daughter who has inattentive now I’m learning a new way of ADHD, you know, because I’m like, Wait, you don’t want to do you just just want to sit? And that’s so confusing for me. Because that’s a different way of it’s presenting itself because she’s doing in her head, but I want to physically do right like I gotta go, I gotta move. So now I’m learning that journey with her and because my son has autism, but he also has ADHD hyperactive. So it’s like, I know what this is. yours is new. So I’m just getting, I guess I’m re diagnosing myself all over again. Because in parenthood, you realize, oh, there’s all these different facets to it. So I learned in grad school medication did not work for me. But it’s worked wonders and other people and especially other family members of mine. But that’s, that’s currently where I’m at on my journey.
BWF:
Thanks.
BS:
Lots of similarities to be I was masking a lot of my symptoms unknown that I had ADHD, I came from a family of high achievers, my mom likely also has ADHD, and was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and took antidepressants for that. And it was in my practice after becoming an ADHD coach after getting my master’s in students with disabilities in 2006. After working with special education, ADHD, and learning disabled students, that I started to see myself in my adult clients six months into coaching, because what I realized is I love to coach but then when I did my notes and shifted my attention and came back, it was hard to go back and forth. So I started putting the pieces together and realizing how did I not know this, but I didn’t see myself in the students. So I got the diagnosis, and then I did start taking Adderall. And like you’d be I had a lot of coping mechanisms, which, of course, gave me a lot of anxiety when I was younger, because I thought that I had to, you know, do the best that I could be perfect. Be a high achiever, right? So on the outside, everything looked great, even though on the inside, I was like burning up and it lasted into adult life until I recognized that I had ADHD I received coaching and literally, that’s when my life changed. And of course, there’s more to that, but so now I’m on Adderall still still 10 minutes, 10 milligrams at 20 milligrams was a little too anxiety ridden for me. I did not stay on my medication when I was pregnant, and I still take an anti anxiety medication.
BWF:
Thank you. So a lot of the things that Bea mentioned resonated with me too. I was diagnosed in my 30s in grad school, I started noticing that I was really struggling I had always kind of struggled from as young as seven I remember just always feeling confused and class always having to ask somebody, what do we have to do? Always felt lost. But grad school was where it really became to a point where I had to do something went to a therapist, I was diagnosed with inattentive type. It did not like the medication. So I’m also like we mentioned I kind of came, I kind of found my tools and my tricks that worked for me. So I just stuck to that. And obviously being in the field I’ve learned more from so that’s my story. Moving on to the next question is, so what concerns arose for you when you became pregnant as far as maybe discontinuing your medication or wanting to stay on it? Managing your workload, all the the new doctor’s appointments and then just mommy brain that comes with pregnant? Brooke, you can start with this one.
BS:
Sure. So I tried. So a lot of concerns. It’s like, okay, you know, there’s something inside of me. But what happens once that person’s not inside of me anymore? What the heck do I do? No one taught me this. So that was actually my biggest concern. And what I’ll recommend is, you know, the What to Expect When You’re Expecting books. There’s actually a book after when you’re having a baby, and they break it out by month, which is so helpful for the ADHD brain. I don’t have to think about every single month as the baby evolves. I just read a very quick snippet of the book, and looked at the month and correlated what I should expect, and I felt a lot better about that. But also, I was concerned about my anti anxiety medication. So we tried to get off of it with my therapist, and that didn’t work. So she shifted me to Zoloft which has been around for over 30 years, and is proven to be the safest, and it was great and to add Sara hotkeys question. I believe that helped in not having postpartum after the pregnancy for me not getting off the medication because ADHDers had the 57% more probability of having postpartum. So that was my concern.
BWF:
Who wants to jump in next?
SC:
Um, I just wanted to add to what Brooke said, the the what to expect the app really helped me throughout my pregnancy as well. And I have the book as well. But picking up the book as we all have our phones in our hands, most of the time, it was easy to, again, you said it was shorter blurbs, it was easy for me to read a check my fruit each week, besides of the baby. It helped me keep track of my pregnancy with feeling that I was doing my due diligence, knowing what was going on inside of me but the baby, but it wasn’t such an added task of on top of going to work being tired, where I had to take a you know, reading a lot of stuff. So that really helps. And again, I still have it now after my pregnancy to see okay, we’re in month one what to expect. I think a really big challenge for me, you know, was the, the tiredness, the fatigue that comes with pregnancy. And being off medication discontinuing it? Well, when we started trying, you know, I think that that’s as if that is your intent to discontinue medication to start the earlier the better. Because it’s, it’s you’re adjusting to a new lifestyle. So so if you know, if you’re on medication for 10 to 18 years, and all of a sudden, now you’re going off of it, just like Bea and a few others have mentioned learning like the tips and tricks of like, okay, how am I going to now rewire my lifestyle and what things are How is my day to day activities gonna look, and the coping skills that I’m gonna have to implement to get through this and, and throughout my pregnancy, and then you know, as well as continuing once the baby’s here, and you’re breastfeeding, so it continues after that.
BM:
So I would say my concern when I was pregnant with my son, um, I, it’s funny, as I listened to you, ladies talk about an app. 14 years ago, there was no app, so. So there was no app. It was I had to physically go to the library, or Barnes and Noble and buy the book, What to Expect When You’re Expecting. But in true ADHD, fashion, and hyper focus mode, I read it in a night, like, I was just like, I’m just gonna, I’m just gonna learn all the things that I need to learn from like zero to 18, I’ll have it covered. So I binge read What to Expect When You’re Expecting. So I learned about it every single way. And it was like anything that was new, I’m like, oh, no, that’s in the book, you’re supposed to be expecting that. So that’s, again, classic. The way I manifest my ADHD with my anxiety is I like to be overly prepared, right? Because nothing can go wrong if you’re overly prepared, right? Like, that’s just the thing. So for me, reading ahead, and knowing ahead, gave me a lot of sense of control and gave me a sense of what I felt like, I knew what was going on. And I think just my son, being born autistic was like, Haha, um, you don’t get to know what’s going on. But the other thing with that journey for me, was, I kinda was worried that I would know what to do, because I always want to know what to do. And it was like, What am I supposed to do with this thing? Like, it’s just little blob? What am I going to do with it? And, you know, I, I’m an intellectual and a baby isn’t. So the idea of ABCs and one, two threes bored me. And I was like, I gotta figure out how to keep engaged and interested. Because I’m not reading Dr. Seuss. Like, that’s not happening. And I didn’t, I didn’t. I read what I wanted to read. He enjoyed it. But when after I had my son, I had really bad postpartum. Now I understand why because again, ADHD, mood, stability, stability, and not to mention hormones. Those are the things that regulate your mood. And you go from this rush to nothing so then it’s not just like, you’re a little sad, right? Like you’re very sad and you’re it’s not even like a mopey. It was just this. Why am I here? This, you know, existential crisis of what’s going on. So I had really bad postpartum. But I have to say I have an incredible partner. And my husband and I like he was just like, you’re not you because I’m happy. Like, I’m a very happy person. And he’s like, you’re just not you and I. And I think for me, it was, I didn’t understand my purpose, right? Like for me to get out of that depression to get out of postpartum. Obviously, my hormones needed to level out that was first. That was the first thing that needed to happen after the leveling out of the hormones, and I was still breastfeeding, and I breastfed Jake forever, which actually helped my postpartum because it increased the bond. So then I felt attached to him, where before it was, when he was born. I’m like, why don’t I feel like a mom? Like I question? I’m like, shouldn’t I feel like there’s flowers and butterflies? And like, shouldn’t I just want to have all these things? And I was just like, I don’t want to just take care of this thing. Like, that was my feeling. It was like, here’s this obligation, right? I didn’t have the, so I thought I was broken. I thought I was like a broken mom. Because I’m like, why don’t I feel like he’s just so my heart is walking outside of my body. And I’m like, I don’t feel that way. I feel like I have an obligation and a problem, and I need to fix it. That was the feeling of what I felt. But with breastfeeding, it gave me purpose. It gave me a sense, it obviously we know what happens when you breastfeed, releases the serotonin and you get all excited, and then the oxytocin and you’re like, Oh, I love them. So that really helped level out my dysregulation. That’s first, secondly, having a purpose for each day, because that’s how I run my day. So it was like, Okay, today, we’re going to teach you that. Three 3pm is not through game. So you need to learn like it was just again, I needed a task, like I needed something to do to attach to the day. Otherwise, it was just feeling pointless. And that really is what helped me tremendously. It was just kind of like having a goal and a purpose. When my daughter was born, I was afraid of the SEC, I was afraid of the same thing. And I was like, oh my god, I’m gonna re experienced this all over again. And again, they’re very close in age. But I didn’t have that same feeling. So that just goes to show you the body responds and react differently. It kind of you there was this muscle memory of remember what you did remember the breastfeeding work. Remember having a purpose work. Remember having a schedule work. Remember having all these things helped you combat postpartum. So I did not experience postpartum with my daughter, where I did with my son. And the way I got over it was again, breastfeeding, I really was the thing that helped me because it gave us and it really helped them. My son was just a solid eater, like he just latched on like a pro. So he made it easier, where it can be difficult if you’re struggling and you can’t do that, which can add to you know, the disconnect and the issues and all the different things. So, for me the concerns were what was I going to do with this thing with this little blob? Like what were we going to do together? Where now obviously, that’s not a concern. They’re like, my favorite humans, and we have the best time and I actually enjoy my ADHD more now than I’ve ever had. Because I’m fun and I don’t have to be serious. And I don’t have to be a mom I could just be me and they don’t know anything differently. So you know, the concerns have faded but they were I did have really bad postpartum and breastfeeding routine consistency helped me get through it.
BWF:
Thank you. Good advice. And Lindsey
LT:
Okay, so I share a lot of what everyone else has said before I so fatigue was insane for me, I so I got off medication about I did early planned for it because I planned my entire pregnancy so so I was off medication for at least like three four months before I even started the process of doing IVF and and I think that that and I like did a whole like detox like I really like cleanse my body. I’m also a psychedelic assisted therapist. So I use some form of it’s called combo which basically cleanses the body it’s um, secretion from a frog, but I don’t know that I would recommend this across the board. I just don’t and it is legal here but it is but for me it really did help because it just like released my feeling of like, I separated I guess in that moment like okay, like, I’m now going to be this like holy Cleanse like, No, I didn’t want Tylenol during my pregnancy like nothing like across the board. No medication ever again. kind of feeling I just seperation of it. But then of course, I’m doing IVF. So like back on medication. And the hormones were horrible for me, I gained so much weight so fast. I was exhausted, moody and miserable. And I was getting my PhD. And I was working. And I just like, I feel like I was just like walking through a fog. Like I just, I wasn’t me, I’m usually actually like a really fun, upbeat, outgoing person. And I just had no motivation at all, and I hated it. And I just saw myself getting like bigger and bigger and bigger, and slower and slower and slower. And that’s up to me. Because I just, I like to feel like I’m, I don’t like to feel like I’m super on the go crazy point of anxiety. But I do like to feel like I have some energy. And I did not, I tried working out. Like I actually tried something which I love. It’s sort of to an extent, which is dancing for birth, which I recommend doing some kind of like a dance if you like that. But even that was like not thrilling to me because I didn’t have the energy for it. Which sucks because I really wanted it there. But it helped a little bit. Because something sailing and Brooke’s book, I feel like you share a lot like, you know, do things that you’re excited about. As neat each year. So I I’m like, very much navigating but always trying to like make things fun. And, but I couldn’t. So that was really hard. And then continued like 70 shared, because I breastfed in the beginning. So like I breastfed for, like nine months or so. And I kept being like, Okay, so do I now, like, go back and medication like, what do I do? And I had a therapist and a psychiatrist who were like, you could be on it this whole time. Like, it doesn’t really matter. And I was like, Nah, that’s just not going to work. I don’t feel good about it. But that was just personal. I know there’s studies go both ways. They don’t really know. But for me, I’m like, I kind of feel like if I’m going to continue breastfeeding, I can’t be on it. So then I was like, What do I do? Because I want to get back to work. I want to start my practice, I want to be able to really feel like I have a brain again. And I I’ve definitely been struggling with postpartum for my hormones. I think we’re so lately out of whack. And I’m just feel like, all over the place. Like I’m like, like one week. I’m like, Well, great. Like, How is this even happening? Like in my hair looks great. And like amazing. And then all of a sudden, I’m like, I’ve literally lost everything. And it’s still doing I’m still going through all that at 14 months. Even more now. In some ways. Again, I don’t know what that’s about. But, um, yeah, so I feel like it’s just, it’s a lot. It’s exhausting. And in terms of like, parenting, I think I was actually like, just the information overload made me just be like, okay, screw everything else. Like, I’ve watched a couple of YouTubes I read some I’ve already read the books, like, years before I feel like, I was like, I got this. And then all of a sudden I’m like, wait, I don’t know what to do. I didn’t prepare with the hell I always prepare, but because I didn’t know that he shouldn’t. I wasn’t like, I’d be so exhausted. I didn’t prepare at all. So I’m like, Ah, hi, blog with you. But like, kind of like, a little bit naturally. Like, I mean, there’s a lot like I’m so like, I don’t know and scheduled. And of course, like routines like I have set Mommy needs that I had to be at even from like three months postpartum. I’d walk like crying every single time I left one. I don’t know why I was comparing myself to others, or whatever. I was doing what I ever used to do that all of a sudden I was doing as a mom. I don’t know, it was overwhelming. But I made sure I was like getting myself back into the drive back into the rods as much as I could with little energy. And yeah, that’s what’s been working. So well working, sort of working at a bit. It’s getting there.
BWF:
Thanks, Lindsay. So I would say my concerns during my pregnancy was just really managing work. school, I was in my PhD program in the evenings at work, I was a supervisor. And then at home, I had a teenager and then like Lindsey, I was going through IVF, which is not just added hormones, it’s also time sensitive medications, you have to take them at a certain time. So that was that was overwhelming in itself. Just in addition to trying to manage with this pregnancy brain and keep everything together and balanced. And so I think that in itself exacerbates your symptoms. And so we’ll we’ll go into the next question, which was I think some of you guys kind of answered touched on it a little bit. What were some of your Are your tricks and ways that you managed the struggles that came up during your pregnancy? And we can start with Stephanie on this one.
SC:
It’s funny, Brooke W I message Sure, I think it was like we maybe 18 or something. And I’m like, I have so much to do. I have so much to prep for my house with the nursery. And you know, Brookes advice to me was set aside one hour a weekend, and I had started early enough in my pregnancy where Okay, when our weekend to start kind of getting through tasks. I think by a few months ago, we had the nursery painted, and I just kind of went through. Little, little by little, I also think, for me doing the tasks that were the hardest, or that were going to be the most mentally consuming or draining are the things you kind of just dread the most, to do them in the morning to get them done to get them otherwise, you don’t have the sense of dread of like, oh, I still have to get that done. And then the day goes by, and you get a little bit more tired. So that was one thing that really helped. In I went into my pregnancy when we’re trying and my early pregnancy, I had given up sugar for about 10 months, and that I would say really helped with my focus and concentration. It was night and day. There was a point in my pregnancy though, where I was like the baby wants the baby wants sugar. So I kind of fell off that bandwagon a little bit. But I did notice a big difference. I think the last thing I want to say is I want to give everyone else a chance was giving yourself grace. If you feel like there was a Saturday that you woke up. And if you had the opportunity to do so and you felt like sleeping for four hours. Give yourself the grace think that is okay to do. You’re pregnant. You’re growing human. To allow yourself to rest when you need it.
BWF:
Thanks, Stephanie. It’s got a Brooke. Next. Yeah,
BS:
so I’d mirror what Stephanie said. And also, Dr. Halliwell talks about, like the power of vitamin connect, right. And I think we can get so stuck in our own heads about what to expect when we’re expecting. And so what helped me the most is having people who have gone through it already that I could talk to like my sister reaching out asking, What should I expect? At this point? What should I do next? What did you do? So I didn’t have to be so stuck in all of my thoughts. I had my cousin who had a child come over when I had all the clothes that people were giving me after the baby shower as I put away do with this. So she helped me be a body double and organize that so I went to one Bed Bath and Beyond was around with my sister, I had no idea what to register for. So she was like, I’ll take the gun and scan everything. Don’t worry, here’s the list. So just having people in your community who have already gone through it that can take away a lot of the unknown is helpful and was very helpful for me.
BWF:
Nice, thank you. Um, Lindsay, we can go to your next
LT:
Um, so I feel like that would have been awesome no more support than probably was support that I could have been better at connecting with available but I just felt like I don’t know I’m someone who like always wants to kind of figure things out myself and I don’t want to like ask for help and like you know, so yeah, I looking back that was just kind of plain stupid. They definitely think I should have asked for more help, or more guidance or whatever. Because once I finally did sort of a little bit, it was you know, it was more available and yes, it was great. It was a little bit of help, I guess. It really does make a difference support is great. I think I agree doing like the monotonous more tedious more draining tasks like first or early in the day or getting them out of the way is always awesome like that’s just across the board I feel like and just breaking things up and be like okay, you only need to do like an hour is also great. cutting out sugar would have been awesome I think that’s a genius thing to do for me when when cutting out sheets because I really addicted to cheese and it makes I was allowed to eat it well I say loud because while I’m pregnant I didn’t really break out very much well postpone like progesterone but they were only getting the estrogen progesterone the beginning but plus that I didn’t break out very often and usually cheese makes me break out very general mixing break out so I loaded up bunches like it was insane. I like every single I mean I literally like if like a pound of cheese a day. And yeah, now I’m like oh shoot, I have to not. She’s ever again. Every single time I do I break out but it I think, like, I remember actually even talking to breakfast, like you were, you’d said to me something like, Wait, you’re still working out like flimsy, like, give yourself some grace, like relax. And I was like, I’m sort of working out because in truth, I feel like I wish I had like kind of worked out more, but you know, like, not in such a way that was I gave myself grace. I think, of course, everyone should give themself grace. But I was giving myself grace, then having all this guilt. So I think it would have been better for me personally, if I had allowed myself maybe not to have such a like, Okay, I need to work out, like do weights the way I used to, or something, but more so like, okay, like, if now I just do like a stretching class that counts. And so like, not being upset with myself that like, I didn’t do anything, like, because then I’d be like, Oh, I can’t work out at all anymore, I could have probably had the ability to maybe just do something like easy and like, low key and less, less stressful, and that would have been really beneficial. So I plan on getting pregnant again, I think I would like to continue to have schedules and regimens and all that is still so important. I feel like I’m also a perfectionist, and I think it’s just without them, I fall off completely. And I just would rather sleep. But having the like, having support and also just having proper proper nutrition and exercise plan, even within Greece, if that makes sense.
BWF:
Alright. Thank you, Lindsay. Bea, I know you’ve kind of touched on some of the things that worked for you. I don’t know if you had anything to add to that?
BM:
Well, I was gonna say I’m on top of, I learned more from Abby than I did from Jake. With my first I wanted to do all the things. And in true what I’ve always done with the masking, like Brooke said earlier, I mask my discomfort. Right. So it was like, Well, I’m not tired. I’m not this, I’m not that I’m not all these different things. So I just pushed through it to accomplish whatever task I needed to do. Anyway, the gift of Abby, which is my second child was there was no I just couldn’t, I was just too physically tired. But also I had a toddler. So what I learned was, you know, releasing that level of control, and listening to your body, which is something I did not do, because I fight my instincts to calm down to do this. It’s like no, you don’t want to be calm. You want to do this. No, you don’t want to do this. So the gift of Abby was I just had to release a lot. And I wish I had that with Jake. Because I I wish I knew it was just, I was wasting my time. Like I was wasting my time wasting my energy doing all these different things. Where with my second I wasn’t as stressed and I wasn’t as focused and I wasn’t as like you know, the rooms not done the clothes aren’t hanged or, like all these little things that you feel like are absolutely in necessity when they’re really not. I wasn’t as concerned about that. So really listening to your body and honoring your body. If it needs rest, rest, if it wants fuel, fuel it if it’s dehydrated, hydrated, if it needs medication, medicate it you know, like really, truly listening. That was a gift of ABBY I was able to listen. So that’s my advice. I wish I had learned that the first time but you know, jxta practice child, you know, it’s he it that one doesn’t count.
BWF:
Thank you. I guess I would say for mine. The things that I had to I have to do timers, timers, helps me get things done, knowing that there’s a beginning and an end. And then I get to take a break and body doubling that’s how I basically got through work and my my homework assignments for school, I had people at work my co workers body doubling with me. And even they said they couldn’t believe how much work they got done. And they’re not they’re not ADHD brains. So it works for everybody. But um, those are some of the things that I had to do, just to be productive. So we’ll go on to our last question. So, for this experience, what was the most surprising thing for everybody? What was maybe the biggest adjustment for you during this time? We can start with Bea.
BM:
I think for me, the loss of freedom and the loss of ability to do whatever whenever you know I think You have this? Well, I have this idea of like, you build a kid, right? And it’s like, okay, so basically, you’re going to want to do all the outdoorsy things. And you’re going to be an intellectual. And you’re going to sleep because that’s important. And you’re going to like, you’re just going to do all the things. And you get this baby who’s like, no, no, I’m gonna do me. And doing me looks like this. And I think we do spend so much time on you know, the cutesy part of pregnancy, which is, you know, the buying and the shopping. And I mean, I started pregnancy buying before I was pregnant. Like, I just, anytime I saw a teeny tiny little outfit, I was like, Oh, this is for my daughter, one daughter. Um, so I was married to the idea in the fantasy of it. So the reality of what you have to sacrifice what can’t happen anymore. And um, I love sleeping is a big thing for me. I’ve never stopped napping. I nap till this day. So I never gave up my nap from from an infant, I never gave it up. And being forced to give up my nap was like a huge sacrifice to me. So I think just the sacrifice in the realistic and knowing that my brain needs to reset, I was napping, because that is the one thing I did honor in my body. It was like my brain needed a time to be out to come back and be refreshed and rejuvenated. Now that science tells us, that’s what it is. But I was just naturally doing it. And having that taken away from me, which it felt like it was hijacked, was a big loss and a sacrifice. So I think just the idea of what parenting could be releasing that letting that go and honoring what it actually is. And you don’t really know what that’s going to be because each child is different. Each relationship is different. Jake did not sleep for the first year of his life. Again, he’s autistic. So there’s a lot more now we know about it. But he woke up every two hours for a year. He for a whole year, it was torture. So when Abby came around, I’m like, Okay, I’m ready for this. Again, we’re gonna be up every two hours, because I just assumed same genetic pool, same baby, same issues, when the child slept for seven hours straight the first night and I was confused. And then I was waking her up. So again, just you might be married to a particular idea. And think it’s going to be one way and then it turns out to be something completely different. And then you might get used to one particular idea. And then you have another child and it’s something completely different. So I think just honoring that it’s going to be different, each child is different, they bring their own unique blend of spice into the world, as well as your own gifts. So I think for me, that was like, not being mentally prepared for transitions, because, you know, I have ADHD, so I don’t like transitions. Um, so, but it worked out well.
BWF:
Thanks, me. Let’s go to Brooke.
BS:
So I also thought everything needed to be planned out. And you know, I’d be prepared. But the biggest surprise to me when having Brielle who’s now almost two and a half is just listening to my motherly intuition and not having to feel the need to have to research everything. So I heard from my mom from another close person, like just follow your motherly intuition and like, lean into it. And when I lean into that, obviously, with important information and knowledge, it works and it helps. So I trust myself a lot more now than I thought I was going to when having a child’s.
BWF:
Nice. Let’s go to Stephanie.
Um, that I got through it. Yeah, you know, going into it, the anticipation of how am I going to go to work and do life, you know, without medication and the doctor’s appointments, I too, had to do fertility treatments and air all the appointments handling it all, you know, can conception you know, and then being pregnant, getting through the tiredness at work. You know, I got through it the beginning. I’m lucky and blessed to have a great support systems, especially my mom. But I look back now my baby’s two months. I’m back to work this week, even this week. I’m like I’m getting through it. And I think if you reframe some of the experiences, the doctor’s appointments, try to reframe them too. Things that you can enjoy, get look forward to those ultrasounds look forward to hearing your baby’s heartbeat. Because like he was saying, once the baby’s here, you know, your life is is different. I’m a huge sleeper naps are important, but that you got through it try to establish, you know, a good support system, you know, whatever that might look like. And, um, reach out when you can.
BWF:
Thanks, Stephanie. Lindsay.
LT:
I feel like everyone shared everything. Yeah, so for me, it was like, surprises of like, I, honestly, my pregnancy, I feel like it’s just like, literally, like, how did that exist? Like, the year all of a sudden, she turned one. And I was like, I, the whole pregnancy was like, the longest time period in my entire life, but at the same time it like, like, it’s done. And I don’t know, it’s weird. It’s done in like a while ago now. But like, I remember being three months was part of being like, Oh, my God, like, how was this? I was like, how did that? How did that get through that two months, honestly, it’s just like, because that was, it’s, I feel really proud. I guess, in some ways, I managed to somehow make it through it. And I don’t know how I’m gonna ever do it again. But I want to, but I just don’t know if I can. But I guess where there’s a will, there’s a way kind of thing. But I saw, I guess the price is also just like how much I shouldn’t really trust my own intuition more. So I think I’m constantly like, second guessing every single thing I do. And then realizing afterwards, so much. So like, I should listen to everyone’s base and really trust my own instincts. Also, the feeding, I really did not realize how much like that was gonna be like it. Like I didn’t really hope eating things like, I mean, from the beginning, like, okay, including the breastfeeding like she my daughter was tucked away right away, and she loved to eat. So that was so much eating right away all the time. So breastfeeding, like, I’m connected her 24/7 about like, or I’m pumping or whatever, when I’m connected to a device. And I knew nothing about that, either. I don’t know why I didn’t at least learn more about that. But anyway, but yeah, she like, I feel like food is like, so much of my life now. And I was not prepared for that. I don’t know what I thought. I don’t know. But yeah, it’s consumed my brain a lot of my time. So I was a little surprised by how much so.
BWF:
Thanks, Lindsay. I think for me, I was surprised by how much I struggled losing my routine. You know, I, my husband was telling me, you know, you can’t, you gotta go with the flow of your days and your nights kind of blend into one in the beginning. And I was trying to establish something and I was really struggling when we were not falling into a routine. And so what I did was I created kind of like micro just mini goals for myself, just change out of your pajamas, wash your face, brush your teeth, play hair back. And doing that helped me to get outside and take a walk, then I it kind of created a momentum for doing more for the day that I felt like I could throw some laundry and then I then making the bed became a thing I had to I felt good if the bed was made. So those were some of the little things that I had to do. Just to kind of get through the day and feel okay, and feel somewhat productive. So, the final question to everyone is, what advice would you give to somebody with ADHD who wants to become pregnant or is pregnant? And we’ll start with Stephanie on that one.
Advice. I guess I would just say find out what works for you your journey your path, it’s it’s going to look different from someone else’s to not be hard on yourself when you’re struggling. Again, like I said, reach out when you’re struggling and giving yourself Grace knowing that there is this little extra component of a challenge when you’re pregnant and you have you know, ADHD symptoms but to allow yourself Self Compassion self Grace understanding and like I said use your supports.
BWF:
Lindsay.
LT:
Piggy-backing on find what works for you, I think having some kind of like even just continuing if you can, walking every day, some kind of a routine with like it and even if it’s just like a little bit and can’t really like buffet, can’t walk outside and really hot and we’re here in South Florida. Around The House just like a little bit every morning. I think just having some kind of movement Have some sort of in to the point where if you can’t, you can’t of course, but as long as you can a little bit of movement, I think really helps a lot. And also just Yeah, being some giving yourself some self compassion, self compassion is huge. And take it day by day. Not not over stress. But you know, like, yeah, day by day, one day at a time.
BWF:
Bea, you can go next.
BM:
I think for me, it would be being aware of the hormonal impact and the chemical wiring that actually is occurring. I think I’m such a nerd in that way. It’s like, I need to know, I need to know, like, I need to know the why. And knowing the why helped me deal with the moment, right? It’s like, oh, okay, I’m not crazy. I just have too much estrogen right now. Um, you know, like, Oh, I’m not dysregulated I have too much progesterone right now. So just knowing the why, and really, going into that, you know, this is happy happens to everybody. But specifically for those of us with ADHD, we have different chemical imbalance then the neurotypicals. Right. So and I think when you know, I did the little pregnancy, Mommy and Me group. Are these other women are like, Isn’t this wonderful? Isn’t this fun? Yay. And I’m like, I think they’re broken. Like, I don’t know what’s wrong with these women. So not being able to connect with people like that, finding your tribe and understanding that you will respond differently, because your brain is wired differently. And because your brain is wired differently, you cannot, you know, compare your experience to someone else that is wired, not like you. So I think to me, just going into the why and understanding that, you know, your hormones are being impacted your hormones indicate your mood, your hormones indicate your regulation and your emotional stability. And right now it’s out of whack. So that fact alone can help you, I guess, navigate it easier. For me, that would be my you know, my advice.
BWF:
Thank you. And Brooke?
BS:
Get out of your head. And don’t do it alone. Because the number one thing is the rumination and the thoughts of not knowing what to expect. I know you said be like, you know that you were in your mommy group, and you didn’t connect and I get it. But I also had my daughter at Boca regional and they had a support group online. It was virtual on zoom on Mondays, Bree and I would just jump in to hear that other women were dealing with the same struggles with their partner, or their you know, being pregnant or having kids. So that different stages, so finding a community that works for you not doing it by yourself. One thing that would have helped to me that I know now. Mommy labor nurse on Instagram, I can say this because she okayed it, but she was a client of mine. She has ADHD. I met her after I had my baby while you’re pregnant, go follow her. She gives really bite sized digestible content. Just don’t do it alone. That’s it.
BWF:
Yeah, I agree. Everyone’s advice. I don’t think I have anything to add to it. I think you guys said it all. So I’ll pass this to Mike if we have any questions.
MN:
Yes, definitely. Okay. So our first question is, what is your advice on those with ADHD that can greatly improve improve sorry, upon their life and in the future?
BWF:
Whoever would like to take that can jump in?
BM:
Oh, can I I’ll take something that I tell because I do ADHD coaching with college age and executives. And they typically the life span or the situation in those two subset group are quite interesting because you have people who are like, crushing it in life. And then you have people who are like entering life, right? And my number one advice is male or female. So this isn’t based on gender. This is an observation from me. It’s get to know your ADHD cycle, right? Because you’re ADHD has a rhythm. And it has a cycle. And once you know the cycle, you’re able to handle whatever it whatever life is throwing at you at a different beat or rhythm. And what I mean by a cycle is, there is this period of I want to do all the things, right, like, all the things need to get done. And I have the energy and the desire to do all the things. So you overdo, because you do all the things, then there’s this period of I’m kind of tired of doing all the things, I don’t feel as motivated to do all the things. So some things are gonna get dropped, right, I can’t do all the things only some things are gonna get done. And the things that get done are typically things that I like. So those things are going to happen. And then on this end, there is the I’m doing no things, nothing is happening. Except for Game of Thrones right now. Like, that’s the only thing that can happen. And that’s what I’m going to do all day every day for a solid week. And then the end of the cycle loop is I suck, I’m a horrible person, why did I do this? This is depressing. I don’t want to live, I don’t exist anymore. This is sad. I don’t like this. It’s the dark part of that cycle, right? Because it starts bright and it ends dark. And when you understand that this rhythm exists in you. And then when you’re in the dark, and no, oh my gosh, Joy is coming, you have more hope of understanding, this is just part of what it is. So I’m just going to sit here and honor it. And I think we don’t get a lot of people who talk about what ADHD is, it’s not just, you know, it’s not all wonderful, but it’s not all bad. Either. It is a it is just who you are. And just understanding how to operate within that wheel of that cycle of who you are. And knowing whether you’re on the upper side of that cycle of completing every task are on the dark side of that cycle of why do I exist? All of that is you, right. But if you understand that you don’t just live here forever, even though you may feel like you do, nor can you live here forever. Because that’s not feasible. Like that’s not possible to just do all the things. It gives you the ability to do life and to do the things and to just enjoy your brain type. Because it’s not changing. It is what it is. But you can now understand it better. So that’s my advice. I call it my ADHD cycle. But I think everyone who has ADHD has it I have yet to meet someone who said they do not have the cycle. Um, but I’m welcome to hear if they do not, but that’s what I say just kind of focus in your cycle.
MN:
Alright, all awesome. Thank you for that. Our second question is what can you do to better prepare yourself for postpartum life?
BS:
So you can’t over prepare for postpartum life. Because as we’ve spoken about, you don’t know what you’re going to expect. But one thing is, we talked about it, take it one day at a time, but speak to your doctor about your nutrition and meds while you’re going through the pregnancy. Making sure that you are optimizing what you can take, what you shouldn’t take what you should eat, what you shouldn’t eat. And for postpartum, we spoke about making sure that you understand your priorities, what you can drop, what you can delegate what you can let go of, and I think that once postpartum happens, we know that our focus is pretty much our child. So don’t forget about who you were, before you had the child, and who your partner, and you were before you had the child. So don’t forget about Dainite. Don’t forget about all those things, even in the throes of all of it and being exhausted. Do your best to take care of your needs, even if it means getting your parents to help out. paying someone don’t forget about asking for help, because you can’t do it alone. And you still need to attend to yourself and your relationships.
MN:
Alright, thank you. And the final question we have time for one more is do you have any advice for the partner of a pregnant ADHDer?
BWF:
Anyone want to take that?
BM:
I’ll take it. I think don’t mock us. That’s the first thing. Mocking is not the way but I would have a lot of grace and you know, understand that. If we could do it differently. We would write this There’s no choice. This isn’t I’m bored. And I want to annoy your irritate you. This is literally how I function. And I don’t know how to function any other way. So having that space and grace to know that this is just who I am, I have a cute habit of leaving drawers open and cabinets open, it’s my delightful little thing of letting you know I was in the room. And it’s a ADHD thing. And what my husband will do is, he’ll take a picture of the room that I was just in, send me the text, and it’s like, I love you so much. I know you were here. That because of her humor, it’s okay. But that may be irritating to someone, because that’s pointing out a an issue that you don’t even I don’t even know it. But what it’s done is now I’ll leave the room. Go back and look at it again. And yes, there are always drawers and cabinets open every single time. So his reminder brings awareness to something that actually care to change, I actually care to do this thing. So be supportive. Understand that they’re not doing it on purpose. A lot of the behaviors that we have, we don’t even know it’s a thing, we have no idea. It’s just this automatic response to life and how we handle it. So just being as supportive as you can without judgment or criticism. Because we’re, we’re the biggest critic of ourselves, like there is this constant nagging in my mind of all the things I do wrong, so I don’t need the additional. But I do love the support. And I think especially we’re talking about pregnancy here, there’s a highly genetic component. So that means your child may have this as well. So whatever it is that you’re doing to your spouse, you will do it to your child. And that’s not okay. So we have to understand by having that grace, it also falls upon your children, you understand when they’re leaving cabinets open. My son, um, it’s more of like, Oh, yay, Jake was here, as opposed to what’s wrong with him or what’s going on? Why can’t he learn so that’s, you know, that’s my advice is to be supportive as however you want to do it, but in a nice, nice way.
MN:
Alright, so with that, that I can go ahead and wrap it up for us. So thank you to our amazing panelists, and thank you everyone for attending. We will be sharing links and contact information for everyone in the chat box and on the screen. This conversation will continue on July 31, with a panel on parenting with ADHD. So we hope to see you all there as well. From everyone here at Different Brains. Thank you and have a good night.
SC:
Thank you
