By Christian Gonzalez
Autism, Parents, and Communication
Sometimes I see depictions of families dealing with their neurodiverse children with more calmness and patience than I see in reality. Then again, portrayals of autism vary, and what we tend to see on TV isn’t always true to life. From my own experience, I’ve witnessed parents lashing out at me or my sister. She can be annoying to us around the house sometimes, but I can’t help feeling that my parents are too harsh with her. In fact, sometimes I believe they don’t want to deal with her at all. My parents describe their harsh treatment as “tough love,” in which they act sternly toward her in hopes that she will learn discipline.
I’ve found that my sister isn’t the only one who receives this type of treatment. One of her friends, who often visits our home, sometimes gets into quarrels with her mother. Most of the time, her mother just yells at her when she asks a simple question. I get the feeling that she’s a burden to her mother, just as my sister seems to be to our parents.
My own experience with my parents has also been harsh, though not to the same extent as my sister’s. They always pushed me to get good grades in school and not to raise my voice when speaking to others. This was because they were worried I wouldn’t be able to function or succeed in life due to my condition. I was able to prove to them that I could work hard and get good grades, and they seemed to appreciate my dedication. However, there are times when they treat me as if I’m not capable of functioning in society. They won’t allow me to take driving classes because they’re afraid I might blow all their money on insurance. They also criticize me for yelling at them, even though I don’t yell most of the time. Yet when I slightly raise my voice, they always interpret it as aggressive yelling. When I do yell, it’s usually because they’re yelling at me—but when I point that out, they always shut me down.
There was one time I told my dad about an acting class, and he said I couldn’t succeed in that area due to my condition because people need to emote. Even though I proved to both him and my mom that I was capable of acting and showing emotions, they still doubted me. They say they treat me this way because they love and care for me deeply. However, I believe their approach to discipline says more about them than it does about me.
Tough Love Isn’t Always the Answer
Personally, I don’t believe that tough love is the right solution for every situation involving autistic children and adults. People need to understand that raising neurodiverse individuals isn’t the same as raising neurotypical ones. In fact, I often think that many low-functioning autistic adults should be treated with the same care one would give to an infant or toddler. Just because they’re old enough to vote doesn’t mean they’ve automatically matured out of their childhood state mentally.
I understand that it’s hard for autistic adults to function in society. However, I also feel that in order for them to adapt, the people looking after them need to change their way of thinking. Rather than fearing for their lives, parents and guardians need to embrace their adult child’s condition and search for ways to support them.
The Challenges That an Autistic Child Can Present
I understand why some children receive such treatment—having autistic children can be a stressful experience. Children and adults on the spectrum can be very demanding, often demonstrating disruptive behavioral problems at home and in public. This can strain relationships between parents, causing pain, grief, and guilt, and may even lead to divorce. Families also face a lack of support services for adult children on the spectrum due to limited funding. Sleep issues such as night terrors and teeth grinding may also cause stress for parents, though these are more common in younger children with autism. Lastly, social isolation can make building and maintaining friendships more difficult, leading to loneliness. Parents may also restrict public outings out of fear of how others might react to their child’s behavior, especially if an outburst occurs (Myers et al., 2009; Samadi et al., 2020).
An article in Psychology Today outlines several other challenges that parents of adult children face. The first is that both parents and children may lose sight of the core issues of autism. Parents often feel burnt out from dealing with their child’s stressors, and sometimes they try to minimize the diagnosis. Even the child may try to downplay their autism to appear neurotypical to their peers. The second challenge involves completing necessary tasks, as people on the spectrum often struggle to maintain employment. Autism can affect a person’s ability to concentrate on a specific task for extended periods, and working at their own pace may not be an option. The third challenge involves understanding three complex emotions: sadness, anxiety, and anger (Bernstein, 2021).
Understanding Autism More Deeply
I can pinpoint at least one challenge that relates to the situation between my parents and my sister. I feel that my parents become burnt out—not necessarily from my sister, but from working all day—and the last thing they want is for her to pester them. I don’t think they’ve lost sight of the issues with autism; I just think they don’t want to deal with her in those moments. I also feel that my parents continue to view autism with a closed mind, believing I’m incapable of certain activities even though I’ve proven I can manage just fine.
While autistic individuals can cause strain in the family, some parents have found positive meaning in raising children on the spectrum. An article on Science Direct reported that parents gained a better understanding of the world of disabilities, with some even becoming advocates for people with special needs. More specifically, they learned important lessons “including a shift in the meaning of life, making positive meaning of disability, becoming united and closer as a family, coming to appreciate small things, and experiencing a spiritual awakening or strengthening” (Myers et al., 2008). Although these positive themes were limited to a few families, they show that having children on the spectrum is not always a burden. Parents also need to remember that autistic adults possess unique talents and skills and should embrace these gifts and their condition—no matter the cost.
Helpful Solutions
I believe fostering autistic adults and children requires patience, creativity, and a rethinking of how parents typically raise neurotypical individuals. Instead of viewing their child’s condition as a negative aspect, parents should do their best to support them. Scientists have highlighted several roles that parents can play in supporting their adult children. One step includes fostering independence and essential life skills, using strategies such as “breaking tasks into smaller, manageable steps” and “using visual aids and checklists.” Another aspect involves helping autistic adults navigate and maintain strong relationships. Parents can support this by encouraging their child to engage in special clubs and community groups and to maintain connections with people from those groups. Lastly, parents should ensure their child receives the psychiatric care and counseling necessary to manage their health and well-being. This includes regular doctor visits and strategies to cope with stress and anxiety (Neurolaunch, 2024).
Final Thoughts
As much as I love my parents, I can’t help but feel that they view autism through a negative lens in some aspects. I assume they’re afraid of people who act differently than they do and that they’re so beholden to their personal beliefs that they’re reluctant to open their minds to other perspectives. Whatever the reason, I hope that one day they’ll come around to appreciating neurodiversity for what it is. I also hope that other parents and guardians will come to understand that individuals with autism have vastly different needs and that not all autistic individuals are the same. Lastly, I want people to remember that caring for autistic adults and preparing them for life requires patience and creativity.
Stop Asking Neurodivergent People to Change the Way They Communicate
Advances in Supporting Parents in Interventions for Autism Spectrum Disorder – PMC
Autistic Parenting: Challenges and Strategies
The 3 Challenges for Parents of Adult Children With Autism | Psychology Today
Bradshaw, J., Wolfe, K., Hock, R., & Scopano, L. (2022). Advances in Supporting Parents in Interventions for Autism Spectrum Disorder. Pediatric clinics of North America, 69(4), 645–656. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pcl.2022.04.002
Myers, B. J., Mackintosh, V. H., & Goin-Kochel, R. P. (2009). “My greatest joy and my greatest heart ache:” Parents’ own words on how having a child in the autism spectrum has affected their lives and their families’ lives. Research in Autism Spectrum Disorders, 3(3), 670-684.
