Coping with Depression and Despair
By Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT
Depression and Despair
When reality doesn’t match our desires and childhood coping mechanisms fail us, life presents us with painful lessons that may lead to depression. The patterns we developed in response to unmet childhood needs can strain our relationships. If we were overly indulged or our disappointment was unconsoled in childhood, we become easily discouraged or more willful as adults. Both responses hinder our ability to adapt to reality. Stubborn self-will can prevent us from finding workable solutions.
Maturity allows us to shed our illusions, accept reality, and take proactive steps to meet our needs. While loss is painful, mourning is an important step in healing. Clinging to the past or unattainable dreams, blaming ourselves or others, or resisting what is can trap us in prolonged depression. Freud noted that melancholia stems from an unwillingness to mourn. Due to excessive focus on past losses and missed opportunities, sadness lingers indefinitely and overshadows present and future possibilities. Depression may come with self-pity or self-recriminations – anger turned inward, creating guilt and shame. We may not even know specifically why we’re sad, reflecting a refusal to let go and move forward from what we’ve lost.
Childhood trauma frequently underlies anxiety and depression. Failure to heal past wounds contributes to depression and can lead to re-traumatization, creating a cycle of cascading trauma and depression. By resisting mourning, we’re more susceptible to subsequent bouts of depression.
Depression and Change
Depression is often signals a need for change. Transitions can be daunting when we’re letting go of the old and the future is uncertain. Circular thinking, feeling victimized by fate, or waiting for others to change blind us from real solutions and obstruct finding happiness and gratitude in what life offers. Life presents us with thorns and roses. Our happiness depends on where we place our attention.
We may feel hopeless but our condition is not hopeless. Our perceived hopelessness often results from distorted thinking obscuring the possibility of change. Changing our attitude changes everything.
I experienced a period of depression while on crutches for several years. One day at the YMCA, I met a woman who had only one leg but was full of vitality after swimming. I complimented her courage and asked if she ever felt depressed. She seemed surprised and replied, “Fortunately, no, except for the first six months. I just love to swim.” Her acceptance of her circumstances and pursuit of joy despite them were inspiring. By getting support to take unprecedented risks, eventually, I’d be climbing a mountain.
Taking Action
Finding purpose in our pain can alleviate what may feel like senseless misery. Self-inquiry about what we learned, how we have changed, and whether we’re unforgiving and self-righteous of ourselves or others can provide strength and hope to avoid repeating past mistakes.
Depression feeds on itself and can become habit-forming, leading to paralysis and isolation. Instead of remaining passive victims living in our past, action is what is needed—engaging in new interests and activities. Not all solutions depend on us. We need support from a therapist, coach, family, or 12-step or other support group to persevere and keep moving forward. Reaching out for help, exercising, socializing, pampering yourself, and pursuing creativity are essential.
Often difficulties precede enlightenment. When things look bleakest, it’s an invitation to delve deeper, nurture ourselves, and connect with our spirituality, knowing that feelings are only feelings and that they too shall pass. The Buddhist saying, “The sun is always shining,” reminds us that despite the clouds and rain, when we rise above them, we see more clearly that God is there and our true self is unharmed. When all seems lost, surrendering—“Let go, and let God,” — is not a one-time act but a repeated practice.
© 2024 Darlene Lancer
This article was originally published here, and is reprinted with the author’s kind permission.
Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and expert on relationships and codependency. She’s the author Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You and Codependency for Dummies and six ebooks, including: 10 Steps to Self-Esteem, How To Speak Your Mind – Become Assertive and Set Limits, Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People and Freedom from Guilt and Blame – Finding Self-Forgiveness, also available on Amazon. Ms. Lancer has counseled individuals and couples for 30 years and coaches internationally. She’s a sought after speaker in media and at professional conferences. Her articles appear in professional journals and Internet mental health websites, including on her own, www.whatiscodependency.com, where you can get a free copy of “14 Tips for Letting Go.”
