On Considering the Lily: A Tool for Coping in Uncertain Times
By Sean M Inderbitzen LCSW, DSW
“The only Commandment I ever obeyed — ‘Consider the Lilies’“
-Emily Dickinson
Coping in Uncertain Times
As a therapist my greatest teachers are my clients, and last week was no exception to this. As work on end of life questions, we are reading Man’s Search For Meaning together by Viktor Frankl, who deeply captures how we as humans discover and consider meaning. There is a scene less known in this book where Frankl, a Holocaust Survivor, is describing how the residents of the Auschwitz concentration camp all stop to observe the beauty and majesty of the Alps. And as my client is sharing this with me, I reflect back with, “Oh this is similar to Emily Dickinson’s take on the Bible. She used to say, “The only commandment I ever obeyed- ‘consider the lilies’”. Her atheist take on Luke 12:27, she describes much like Frankl the ability of humans to find ways to appreciate the present moment even in the context of incredible suffering and difficulty.
And so to my surprise, when she returned this week my client shared: “My new dog was my Lily. Her name is Virginia.” Stunned and surprised by this, I sat their almost dumbfounded as she unpacked all the ways this new addition to her little family embodied so deeply this Emily Dickinson quote and gave her ways to cope in uncertain times. And I find this framing, while not something that originates with me, an invitation to you the Different Brains reader. An invitation to, amidst uncertain times and regardless of one’s identity, a strategy for coping with the difficulty of what appears to be widespread uncertainty.
Considering the Lily
To “Consider the Lily” to me tugs on a combination of beauty and gratitude in a field of suffering. Dickinson is considered, by most familiar with her work, to capture themes of depression, death, and deep suffering. Her axiom as I see it is not one unknowing of how scary or dark humanity can be, but a chance to ignore the inherent magnetism of pain. The ability to look away if for only a moment, and to remember the things that make life worth living even in the middle of it.
I, least of these, consider this a far from easy task. As someone who spent the better part of three years learning to do this in the process of grieving the loss of a loved one before finally moving past it, I’d say in the pain is where the answer lies. As one of my favorite musicians, The Illustrated Manual describes it in one of his songs, it’s very enticing to look back at a memory and dig up the layers of sediment in search of a new answer that might meet the pain of the nameless why.
But it is not a ‘Why’ that usually meets the urgency and demand of the pain of whatever hope is once lost. No, it is as Dickinson says finding ways to consider the beauty of the present moment that keeps us away from the inherent draw of the endless question.
How to find my Lily?
At this point I’m hoping you are getting this is not some dismissal of your pain, whatever it be in this time of uncertainty. What I do know is that you are probably wondering, “Well Sean how do I consider the Lily?” And here’s a step-by-step process of how:
Considering your Lily:
Step 1: Notice your signals of distress in your body. It might be a fast heartbeat, shallow breaths, racing thoughts, fast speech, tightness in your chest.
Step 2: Using your five senses, look around the room for something that strikes awe and beauty in you. Pick one of your five senses to really explore this sense of wonder.
Step 3: Notice how that distress changes in your body. Maybe your heart slows down, or your breath deepens.
Step 4: Take 20 seconds to just appreciate the beauty of your Lily and just deepen into the sense of ease and release.
Step 5: Re-engage with your surroundings and return to the present moment carrying with you the full effects of observing Lily.
Sean M. Inderbitzen, DSW, LCSW, an autistic psychotherapist and researcher through Mayo Clinic Health System. He regularly trains healthcare professionals to be more confident when working with people on the spectrum. For more info, find him on Instagram or on LinkedIn, and look for his book Autism in Polyvagal Terms: New Possibilities and Interventions.
