By Nada Deslongchamps
The years before I spoke up
Growing up in an era where neurodivergence and more specifically, ADHD, was not well recognized was all but easy. I grew up in a town of just over 100,000 people in a relatively rural area so blending in was not an option for me. Elementary school flew by with little concerns. I had a close group of friends, supportive teachers and was involved in afterschool activities that kept me busy.
That all changed when middle school came. Where I’m from, middle school is the stage where different schools of the same district get combined into one. That meant two more schools worth of kids to get to know. I was an unusual kid – I cared more about playing on my Nintendo DS than going out to the mall on a Friday. I had my close set of friends but I didn’t feel the need to expand beyond that and that quickly made me an outcast.
When I reached 8th grade, I started being labeled “the shy kid” and it didn’t help that kids teased me relentlessly. Those experiences carried over into high school, where I was sent multiple times to the nurse for panic attacks. Unfortunately, that anxiety did not leave me as I entered adulthood. Battling working with my ADHD instead of against it and unmanaged anxiety made me an introvert. I kept to myself and had a very hard time getting out of my shell. That said, it was no surprise that speaking up for my needs became a challenge.
Entering the corporate world
One of my first corporate jobs out of university was marketing at a well-known multimillion dollar company. Not only was I new to the workforce but I was also new to the corporate workplace culture. I had no idea what unwritten rules were present including how to dress, how to present myself, how to “fit in”. The role I had was so new that the directors around me questioned what exactly it entailed and most cruelly, the validity of the work I put forward. I’ll never forget the day that I was pulled into the office of one of these directors who asked me mockingly what I did and the relevance of my work in line with my department. At the time, I babbled a response, cheeks flushed from embarrassment and later told my manager who told me “he probably didn’t mean it that way” (he did). Today, I would be able to handle that same situation flawlessly but at the time, my people-pleasing tendencies would have sent alarm bells if I so much as thought about talking back to him.
When it came to my disability, I was incredibly open with my manager. In return, she was open with me, sharing that her son also struggled with ADHD. I thought I had met an ally. Someone who would be able to help me. I was wrong.
At this stage, the COVID lockdowns were going on and off. Some weeks we’d be in lockdown, forced to work from home. Other times, safe to go into the office. Given that I now had a chance to work from home, I quickly found out that a hybrid arrangement worked best for me. Time at home to focus on the tasks that required my full attention but also time to meet with team members during days I’d be in office.
Unsupportive environments
After that short lockdown stint was over, we came back to an incredibly busy office. The office was loud, bustling, and the sensory overload hit me hard. I had huge noise cancelling headphones on but to my dismay, they did little to help. One day, I messaged my manager and told her I was overwhelmed, that I needed to go home to work and that the environment was too loud. I was met with a “with the functions of your role, we don’t allow work from home arrangements”.
I was shocked. Was this the same woman that had asked me for advice when it came to shutdowns her son was having?
I was not looking for a permanent arrangement. I was looking to spend the rest of the afternoon at home to focus, in order to do the work she had assigned to me but instead, I was met with little compassion. I let the tears trickle down my face as the two girls in my cubicle looked at me with worry. Luckily for me, they did not ask questions, as I still had my giant noise-cancelling headphones on.
What helped me break the “shy” cycle and speak up for myself?
At the end of this work term, I experienced my first round of ADHD burnout. I pushed my start date back a week out for the next role I decided to take. Thankfully, this one offered a hybrid schedule upfront. I spent weeks talking through the experience with my therapist and she made me realize that I could continue living the way I did, too afraid to speak up for myself, afraid of upsetting the people around me at my own detriment or I could learn to be okay with conflict.
It took two more years for me to build that skill. I started by identifying my own patterns. In my case, I have (or I should say had) avoidance tendencies. Instead of facing hard conversations, I would avoid them, thinking people-pleasing was the answer. “If I keep the peace, things will work out” I’d tell myself. Then the cycle would restart, I’d avoid hard conversations, my anxiety would grow, I’d hit a wall, burn out and have to build myself back up from the ground.
Learning to communicate my needs
When I left this company and started another corporate role, knowing my restrictions, I decided to set myself up for success. On my very first week, I asked for noise cancelling headphones (a requirement that needs to be fulfilled by your employer here in Canada). I never received them. I was in an open office environment (one of the worst set ups for neurodivergent individuals). The only thing I had going for me was that I was able to keep my hybrid arrangement to get my work done on the days I wasn’t in office. On the days when I was, I had my loop earplugs in all day.
I knew my needs were not being met and I would repeatedly tell my manager if I was not set up for success, tasks would fall through the cracks (spoiler: they did!). I had a big event out of province I was meant to plan. Between the over stimuli from not being properly accommodated, trying to juggle 4 other events, some workplace conflicts, a traumatic incident at the airport and onboarding students, this event did not “meet expectations”.
This was communicated to me on two different occasions, including an ambushed meeting between my higher ups and HR. I let them know that not only was my workload unsustainable, that I was experiencing bullying at work but also that I would be taking a stress leave and immediately thereafter, started looking for other jobs.
A workplace who will not work with you is not a workplace worth working for.
After I came back from stress leave, I was hit with a PIP (Performance Improvement Plan). This isn’t an uncommon thing to happen to neurodivergent individuals – albeit still unfortunate. I was told I was an embarrassment to the company, that my lack of “enthusiasm” in meetings made me untrustworthy and that essentially if I didn’t “shape up” I would be let go. I quit on the spot and reiterated to my manager exactly why the work fell through (to which she agreed that I not only had too much work on my plate but little support to help manage my tasks).
Although it was by far the worst job I’ve ever had, it taught me a lot.
Lesson #1 – You only hurt yourself by not speaking your truth
Staying silent can feel easier than explaining your needs. You may worry about being judged, misunderstood or seen differently. But when you continually mask your challenges or avoid asking for support, you often end up carrying the burden alone. Self-advocacy is not about demanding special treatment. It’s about giving yourself the opportunity to succeed, contribute and be your authentic self. Speaking your truth allows others to understand how they can better support you.
Lesson #2 – You don’t need to disclose more than you’re comfortable sharing
Self-advocacy does not require sharing every detail about your diagnosis, medical history or personal experiences. You have the right to decide what information feels appropriate to disclose. In many situations, focusing on your needs rather than your diagnosis can be enough. For example, you might explain that you work best with written instructions, need a hybrid schedule, or need a quieter workspace without going into extensive detail about why. Your story belongs to you, and you should never feel pressured to share more than you’re comfortable with.
Lesson #3 – How to prepare for a conversation with your manager on accommodations
A good manager wants to see you succeed. Going into an accommodation conversation prepared can help you feel more confident and reduce anxiety. Before meeting with your manager, take some time to identify the hurdles you’re experiencing, how they affect your work and what solutions might help. Consider specific accommodations that would support your success like flexible scheduling, written follow-ups after meetings or noise-cancelling headphones. The more clearly you can connect your request to your ability to perform your job effectively, the more productive the conversation is likely to be.
Lesson #4 – How to nurture your mental health and wellbeing while asking for supports
Advocating for yourself can be emotionally exhausting, especially if you’ve faced stigma or dismissal in the past. It’s important to recognize that requesting support is not a sign of weakness; it’s an act of self-care. Throughout the process, make time for activities that help you recharge, whether that’s connecting with supportive people, engaging in a favorite hobby, talking to a therapist or taking breaks when needed. Be patient with yourself and celebrate small wins along the way. Protecting your wellbeing is just as important as securing the support you need.
Lesson #5 – Not everyone is going to understand you and that’s okay
Even when you communicate your needs clearly, not everyone will fully understand your experiences as a neurodivergent person. That can be frustrating, but someone else’s lack of understanding does not invalidate your needs. Focus your energy on people who are willing to listen, learn and support you. Self-advocacy is not about convincing everyone to agree with you; it’s about ensuring your voice is heard, and your needs are respected. Remember that you have rights at the end of the day and you should familiarize yourself with these throughout your advocacy process. If your country or territory has laws around disabilities and accommodating employees and your employer refuses to follow through, you can file complaints and pursue other avenues to help you gain these supports.
List of resources:
U.S.A:
Office of Disability Employment Policy
Canada:
Canadian Human Rights Commission