By Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT
Standing Up to Abuse
Standing up to abuse can feel impossible, even when we know we should, if we’ve been conditioned by childhood trauma to freeze, fawn, or collapse. This is confirmed by research, and my own experience, and therapeutic work with clients.
Trauma activates survival states—fight, flight, freeze, flop, or fawn—that prepare us to survive overwhelming experiences. When these natural responses are suppressed or punished, the body learns to silence our voice. Later, as adults, this can make it extremely difficult to assert boundaries, even when faced with abuse. Knowing the right words as an adult is often not enough; the body still remembers, and it can betray us in moments of confrontation.
Childhood Trauma and Silencing
For many of us, as children, expressing anger, defiance, or even authentic feelings was met with punishment, ridicule, or moral condemnation. We may have learned that speaking up was “disrespectful,” “un-Christian,” or unloving and were punished for protest, such as stamping a foot, raising their voice, or showing anger. If we had no role model to protect us from abuse or teasing by a sibling, other relative, or even a parent, we may not recognize that self-protection is our birthright.
Our natural instinct to fight or flee may have invited more abuse. For example, looking away when I was being scolded by my mother was met with anger. Instead of learning to protect ourselves, over time, these experiences train the nervous system that our only way to cope is to freeze, stay small, silent, or compliant. Early silencing incapacitates us in adult relationships when we need to set boundaries.
When we’re taught that our voice is wrong or dangerous, our nervous system is primed for silence in the face of authority or abuse when we should be setting boundaries. Our body freezes in fear to declare them, even when we know the right words to say.
Childhood Trauma and Codependency
Early prohibitions against self-expression are shaming and create the foundation for low self-esteem and codependency. We learn to suppress our innate impulses and focus on others as we did in our youth to survive in a misguided attempt to heal our own wounds. We may be empathetic to others, yet in denial of our trauma and pain. The lack of empathy for ourselves and denial of our rights, feelings, and needs create a vacuum that abusers and needy people can exploit.
In intimate relationships, we can feel young, dependent, and powerless in the face of a partner’s or boss’ emotional abuse or anger. The body reacts as though we are still children, unable to stand up for ourselves. Our unprocessed trauma makes us easy targets for manipulation, reacting to abuse as we once did to a parent.
Many trauma survivors turn to fawning, such as people-pleasing, appeasing, over-giving, as a substitute for self-assertion and boundary-setting. Others collapse, shut down, or dissociate, leaving their needs unmet. Our inability to speak up leaves us vulnerable to narcissists, manipulation, and people who take advantage of our compliance.
Post-Breakup Trauma
Leaving an abuser is a powerful step, and forgiveness can bring peace of mind, but an abusive relationship leaves its mark. Many survivors experience lingering PTSD. PTSD may not be noticeable if we’re lucky enough to avoid further traumas in adulthood. But often we go from one unhealthy relationship to another, isolate ourselves to avoid vulnerability, or struggle to open our hearts even in a safe relationship.
Nightmares, flashbacks, or intense body memories may surface months or even years later. Until our nervous system has a chance to complete its survival responses and reclaim its right to defy, our nervous system is still braced against threat. It can be easily triggered long after the abusive relationship has ended by later emotional and physical traumas, such as unhappy relationships, surgeries, and accidents that reactivate old trauma.
I once asked a group of over forty women to punch the air and shout, “I have a right…” Nearly everyone began giggling, unable to access their voice. This giggling wasn’t frivolous — it was a nervous system’s way of discharging tension when faced with the taboo of self-assertion.
Healing Trauma and Reclaiming Boundaries
Healing requires more than insight or forgiveness. The nervous system must be retrained to tolerate activation without going into survival mode. By bringing compassion, awareness, and somatic practices into the process, we can finally step into the full strength of our boundaries. That means practicing boundary-setting in small, safe steps: journaling times when we felt silenced, rehearsing aloud what we couldn’t say in the past, or using somatic tools like stamping a foot, pushing against a wall, or roaring while punching a pillow. These body-based acts reclaim agency and energy that was once suppressed.
Trauma-informed psychotherapy creates opportunities to gently discharge the stored energy of past threat. Therapeutic exercises can provide safe experiments to reclaim our voice. These embodied practices can begin to rewire the nervous system to learn that protest is safe, possible, and empowering.
Some helpful steps include:
- Awareness of trauma responses – Notice when you freeze, clench, collapse, or fawn instead of asserting yourself.
- Safe experiments with anger – Practice movements like stamping, punching into a pillow, or vocal exercises such as roaring, in a safe environment.
- Reclaiming the voice – Journal or speak aloud phrases you could not say in the past; e.g., “Stop,” “No,” “I deserve respect.”
- Write it down
Journal situations from the past or present where you felt silenced, powerless, or unable to set a boundary. Write what you wish you had said. This brings the unspoken truth into conscious awareness and gives your words a safe container. - Visualize it
Picture yourself with the abuser — but instead of staying silent, imagine standing tall, speaking clearly, or physically pushing back. This step rewrites the body’s memory by creating a new image of strength and choice. - Speak and act it Finally, take those statements into your body. Say them out loud, stomp your foot, punch a pillow, or push against a wall while declaring, “Stop!” or “I have a right to,” “I will not be silenced!” The physical expression interrupts the old freeze or fawn pattern and imprints of embodied empowerment. For me, it was liberating to stomp my foot while shouting, “How dare you!”—words my mother once used to scold me.
- Write it down
- Gradual Exposure – Practice boundaries in low-stakes situations to build capacity.
- Integration – Pairing somatic releases with compassion practices or meditation to align both body and mind in healing.
The path forward isn’t about perfection. It’s about gradually allowing the body to learn a new truth: It’s safe now to say no, to express anger, to set boundaries, and to protect ourselves. Step by step, voice and strength can return. Forgiveness, then, can coexist with empowerment, not as a bypass of trauma, but as a foundation for reclaiming one’s authentic self.
Explore more of my blogs about trauma. It’s helpful to practice setting boundaries as explained in How to Be Assertive. Empower yourself in an abusive relationship by doing the exercises in Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships.
Learn more about shame and how to overcome it: Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You.
© 2025 Darlene Lancer
This article was originally published here, and is reprinted with the author’s kind permission.
