Tool Kits for Work / Life Balance | DB Caregiver Webinar Series pt.3
Work / Life Balance for Caregivers
DifferentBrains.org is excited to present our 5 part webinar series for caregivers. Part 3 provides caregivers with practical tools and interventions to help them balance their roles and continue to engage in self-care practices.
For other installments: part 1 / part 2 / part 4
–ABOUT OUR HOSTS–
CAROLINA LEON, LMHC, LMFT, NCC, QS: “I have been practicing since 2013, working with children, families, and at-risk youth in various settings. I specialize in helping neurodiverse children, couples with communication or trauma issues, and families in the court system. As a dually licensed Mental Health and Marriage and Family therapist, I am also a Qualified Supervisor and National Certified Counselor. My therapeutic approach is tailored to the individual or family’s needs, drawing from frameworks such as Solution Focused, CBT, Gottman, and Bowen theory. Outside of work, I enjoy spending time with loved ones, including my English bulldog Chunky, and I am currently pursuing a Doctoral degree.”
MELODIE PLAISE, M.S.: Melodie Plaise earned a bachelor’s in psychology with a minor in Africana Studies, as well as a master’s in clinical psychology from Barry University. Melodie is currently pursuing a doctorate in counseling with a specialization in Marital, Couple, and Family Counseling. She serves as the Founding President of the University’s NAACP chapter and focuses her research on the historic marginalization of minority populations. Outside of school, she organizes and serves with community advocacy groups to promote equity and justice. In addition, she works to decolonize and destigmatize mental healthcare through her practice.
PATI FIZZANO, M.S.: “I received my undergraduate degree from Florida Atlantic University as an Exceptional Student Educator (ESE) with an ASD, autism spectrum disorder endorsement. With over 15 years of experience working with teens diagnosed with High-Functioning Autism, I attended Lynn University and graduated with honors as a Clinical Mental Health Counselor. My clinical passion and professional niche in working with people with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and their loved ones grew into my passion. I wanted to begin raising awareness to support this population through writings and research and co-wrote Aspertools: The Practical Guide for Understanding and Embracing Asperger’s Autism SpectrumDisorders, and Neurodiversity with Dr. Hackie Reitman, founder of Different Brains. Presently, I am a doctoral student at Barry University in their Family and Marriage Counseling Program to grasp a deeper understanding in supporting families and caregivers that have been touched with autism.”
TRANSCRIPTION
Note: the following transcription was automatically generated. Some imperfections may exist.
SARAI WELCH (SW):
Welcome to the Different Brains Speaker Series and the third installment of our webinar series for caregivers. Different Brains is a nonprofit that strives to encourage understanding and acceptance of neurodiversity. Our mission has three pillars, one to mentor neurodiverse adults and maximize their potential for employment and independence, to to increase awareness of neurodiversity, by producing media, and three to foster the new generation of neuro divergent self advocates. Here are Different Brains , we promote awareness to the production of variety of media content, including our Video, Web Series, blogs, podcasts, and documentaries all available for free on our website. All of our content is worked on by those in the mentorship program, through which we aid individuals in taking the first step towards achieving their goals and finding their voice. To find more information or to make a tax deductible donation, please visit our website differentbrains.org. Before we start, I want to invite everyone to send questions using the q&a feature in zoom, or by putting questions in the chat box. This webinar will have live closed captioning, which can be controlled using the CC button on your zoom dashboard. And now I’m going to hand it over to Pati.
PATI FIZZANO (PF):
Good evening to everyone and welcome to Different Brains caregiver webinar series. My name is Pati Fizzano, and I have worked over 20 years in education with children on the autism spectrum disorder, supporting them with their social and emotional skills. In addition, I have a private practice in therapy, specializing with individuals diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder and their families. As you can see, I’m very passionate and comfortable working with this population. I’m also in my third year as a doctoral student at Barry University specializing in family and marriage therapy. One of my new roles in life began during COVID As a caregiver, not realizing what the role really consists of until I became emerged. This webinar has helped me to understand the importance of taking care of self strategies and supporting my loved one and how to balance my my own lifestyle. I hope you’re enjoying these webinars as much as we are enjoying presenting them to you. Next, I’d like for you to meet Carolina.
CAROLINA LEON (CL):
Good evening everyone. Thank you Pati. My name is Carolina Leon. And I’m also a third year doctoral student. I have also consistently worked throughout my whole career with special needs children and their families. Also have a private practice where I treat a multitude of, of clients and individuals through a systems approach. And we look forward to this webinar with everybody and I’ll kick it back to Melodie.
MELODIE PLAISE (MP):
Thank you Karolina. Good evening everyone. My name is Melodie Plaise. I am also a third year doctoral student at Bear University. In counseling. I also own a private practice driven by omission to decolonize in destigmatize mental health care. And, again, thank you for for everyone coming in. And we really look forward to having a meaningful conversation with you all tonight.
PF:
Thank you, Melodie. So on tonight’s agenda, we will begin by inviting you to be part of our self care technique. Next we will discuss levels of caregiving, and then introduce you to additional tools to add to your toolkit, which we have been building weekly. Also, we will talk about balancing your needs and help you raise your own awareness of your balance in your own life to an activity. Our last part of this webinar will be a q&a part in which you can type questions. Again, you can type questions throughout this in the chat for the panel to answer. So if you’ve joined us in the last couple of webinars, you are familiar with us introducing a mindfulness activity. If tonight is your first night, we would like to welcome you. One of the main reasons we begin with a mindfulness activity is to help ground you and be with us in the moment. Studies have shown when you introduce a mindfulness activity to your own daily schedule. It will help reduce stress, improve your sleep habits, and overall just makes you feel good. So I want you to this activity. For this activity, I would like you to invite you to look at the picture which we call like a pie graph, and identify some emotions that you may identify with. That happened to you today. Did you have an easy day? A fun day? Were you feeling optimistic, feeling loved? Or was it challenging for you? Did you feel guilt? Were you frustrated ready to give up? You may have experienced a few of these today and it’s okay. Now I want you to try and think of two things as you’re looking through this paragraph. Look, go back and look for two things that worked for you today. Oh, so two things that did not work for you so well. You’re welcome to share it in the chat room if you like and I know like I’m going to call a melody For a minute, because I know, melody you spoken about this type of technique before? And would you like to make a few comments as individuals are writing in the chat room?
MP:
Absolutely, Pati, I love using this this activity more as a prompt for journaling, right. So I’ll look back at my day, what kind of day did I have? Was it an easy day as paddy said challenging? Am I feeling optimistic, it’s really just a way to reflect and checking back in with myself at the end of the day. And I love being able to journal about it. So not only am I identifying what kind of day I’ve had, but I’ve also pinpointing the things that worked really well for me in that day and the things that really maybe need some improvement. So that that way, I can keep that in mind for my next day. Right. So I really love using it. And I know that in the past webinars, we’ve strongly encouraged journaling. We strongly encouraged using just prompts in general when journaling. So I think this is a great prompt or a great tool to get the mind going when journaling.
PF:
Absolutely, let’s just check the chat room and see if anyone would like to share with us how they felt through this activity.
MP:
Yes, I see Deborah here she said, each day can be a roller coaster today had moments of optimism sandwiched around frustrations and challenges. Wow. Yeah. That’s valid.
PF:
And it can be it can be a roller coaster, right? Every day. Sometimes we are challenged for that, you know? Endeavor we’re gonna give you some more strategies to help maybe to show you maybe different ways that you could be doing these kinds of techniques that we’re going to be introducing to you tonight. But we understand totally the roller coaster understanding that you know, it’s like a sandwich, sometimes you’re in a corner and you don’t know how to get out right? Caregiving for husband and the cat. I don’t know much about cats. I do know about dogs. Okay, we can continue. So one of the reasons I designed this caregiving level chart that you see in front of you, was to help develop self awareness for us the caregivers, right. I call it a blueprint in which it will help guide us to understanding where your loved ones are in their lives, what they need from us now, and how can we support them. As I’m explaining these levels to you, if you wish to place the level of the individual you’re caring for. For example, if you’re caring for someone and level one being independent, throw that in a chat room. And in this independent level, if they’re adults, you’re going to be seeing them maybe living independently with very minimal support from you. If you’re caring for children, they may be attending school completing their homework independently. However, as parents, we still need to support them with their basic needs, but they’re still we can call it independent level to the semi independent is this is where you may need to give more support. If you’re caring for an adult, you may have to help them with running errands, supporting them with their schedules. For children. Of course, you still need to support them with their basic needs. However, you may decide you may to support them, completing their homework assignments, making their beds, making sandwiches depending on their age, but that’s like a semi independent, I think most children, we can see ourselves helping them and not be totally dependent, right. Level three is where you see the semi dependent. And this is where you as a caregiver is giving 75% of your time, right your support in their lives reaches up to 75%. This this level affects the elders drastically as you may have to take their driver’s license away moving them into your home, taking them to the doctor’s office, helping them with their medications support, supporting them, you know, with their their daily living, right. And if you’re supporting children as a level three, you may have to set their schedules for daily living skills, setting up playdates supporting their social and emotional skills. Routines are important for someone in this level for a child, right. So I’m not seeing the chat. I don’t know. I’m sure melody will let me know. And then the level four dependent This is where as a caregiver, we have to really be careful of this level with our own self right Eat. Because at this level, we’re giving 100% depending dependent, giving them information or helping them through their life skills. So giving them showers, cooking for them, cleaning for them, feeding them, in some cases, take them to doctors, or regulating their medication, they may, you know, be using walkers or wheelchairs and trying to lift this equipment into your car physically. This all can be very hard on the caregiver. And I just don’t find that when you when you look at these type of levels, you think, okay, I, you know, like, if I’m independent or semi independent, how can I keep them at this stage a little bit longer? How can I work with them in this level, right? what’s expected of me, you know, maybe when they become semi dependent, you may want to start looking for support for you having someone come in and help you out, finding that, you know, resource that might be supporting you. So how do you think these levels are relevant to you looking at these type of levels? Do you think they’re at all relevant into your case? And Carolina or Melodie, if you have any, any comments, you’re welcome to say.
CL:
Thanks, Pati, I think something you said about parenting, right? For those of us that are parents, right? You know, you’re always going to be in a sort of, between them my level of independence and my independence and dependence. Because as long as they’re little, you’re still going to be caring for them, right? And like my mom likes to say, even when they’re older, you never really stop. But it just really depends on how independent or how self sufficient you can start to to wean them, you know, and sort of train them for that. But really, what we’re trying to reflect for everybody is like, how do you think do these levels? Do seeing these levels help you in any way or sort of paint a picture for you, as to where you may be in this journey? Melodie, I don’t know if you have anything else?
MP:
I think you said it beautifully on, you know, for me, I’m, I have a one year old. So I’m at level four. She’s completely she’s a one year old. She’s completely dependent on me. And so when you gave that example of a, you know, caring for a child, you know, she’s not at the point where she can do things for herself yet. So she’s completely dependent on me. We have some we have some answers in the chat. Deborah says, it’s it’s a three sometimes a four. I tried to make it a three. And I tag Oh, so I guess you share the responsibility with your husband, Deborah. Yeah. So she shares the responsibility. So yeah, so between the three and four for her. Anyone else would like to let us know in the in the chat, what love where do you fall on the caregiving level? Thank you for sharing Deborah.
PF:
Thank you, Deborah. I always think the blueprint is really important for me to understand, like what is ahead of me, what what am I looking at depends on the type of disability or, you know, that you’re caring for. So if I see someone that like, for example, my own mother, I started out as in she was very independent. And quickly, she got to a level four. So I knew these levels were important to me to understand to be prepared. And I think that’s why I think it’s more of a blueprint for someone, you know, like me to know that I better be prepared or I’m gonna just hit a wall, you know, and that’s why it’s so important. So, thank you, for everybody that’s, you know, participating.
MP:
We have one more comment in the in the chat, Jackie says the levels are subject to interpretation, which of course, yes, they are. She says an adult is level one, but there is a need to support, the less control can be can be frustrating. Thank you, Jackie.
PF:
Absolutely. And sometimes when we get frustrated, it’s easy to fall into the trap of, of of, of getting, like burned out right. So you have to be careful and that’s why these levels are, I find is really important for me to know, like in each case is different. But I noticed for myself, it really helped me control my own self. Knowing which level OI’m at so yeah.
CL:
Just Just to add to that, Patty, Jackie, and it is it is true. We were just doing the levels to show you where you might fall. Well then, but definitely they can be they are open or subject to interpretation. And you can fall in and out of them. Right? There’s it’s not sort of a linear equation. I mean, sometimes when they’re dependent, they can’t go back to independent but there are times where it happens. Right? Sometimes it depends on the situation and may be, you know, it could be like somebody else said earlier a roller coaster where you’re going to be traveling through these different levels. So it’s just mainly to create an awareness of these are the levels that you could possibly see.
PF:
Absolutely, thank you Carolina. So on the next slide is going to be when we start opening our toolkits and working on it. So we’re going to into the caregiving strategies to support different needs of your loved ones. However, these strategies can help anyone that you’re working with. So if you’re taking care of someone older, may have an onset or has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or any type of dementia, these types of communication skills can be a game changer working with the loved ones, right. So for example, never argue, fight or disagree. Because the only one that’s going to be frustrated is you instead agree with the individual if you know someone’s with, you know, that maybe can be forgetful or just older. You just just never argue with them, or disagree with them, you just it’s so much easier just to agree with the individual. Because the only one like I said would be you getting frustrated. Never shame your loved one. Instead, divert the conversation and choose something more pleasurable. Another point, never be condescending. Instead praise and encourage them, support them, you know, you’re there you are their caregiver, never forced the individual to do something they can’t instead, reinforce things they can do. And never say remember, instead talk about their old memories, show pictures, take time out of your day to reminisce, this is really a special time in our family at night to even open up a Facebook page and show them pictures, you know, show them things that they can do. If you have children, make the fond memories with them, take photos, make little you know, little collages with them, take time and enjoy being with them as a caregiver as a parent, you know, children love doing things like this. But make them feeling important in life, you know, like arguing and disagreeing and fighting. It doesn’t work, you know, especially even with children, let’s say your child’s on the autism spectrum, or, you know, it could be anything. As adults as caregivers, you know, we have to understand that we could talk nicely and be kind to each other and it works so much better. And your relationship will be stronger because of it. But if you’re shaming or condescending, how would that make you feel? Right? Does anyone have a question? Or you could put in the chat room how you’re feeling about these kinds of tools. Sometimes when we get frustrated, it’s easy to fall into these kinds of trap of negative communications, right? But raising our awareness will help help you as a caregiver be a more supportive caregiver to your loved ones. Melodie you have anything to say?
MP:
Nothing pertaining to this. But we do have a comment in the chat pod. He says let us be careful when using burnout. We need to differentiate between tiredness and fatigue versus spiritual joint drainage, which is actually what true burnout is. I personally feel like burnout is a different it can be a multitude of things right? for different people. Something that could have burnt me out maybe a couple years ago, maybe now I’ve learned how to handle it a lot better. And now it doesn’t drain me as much right? So it is it is subjective. It is subject to interpretation. And, and we do want to keep things we don’t want to be rigid in definitions. We want you to be able to define it for however you define it right? We don’t all define things the same.
PF:
Thank you for your comment. And then like two weeks from now, we are going to have we’re going to be talking about like that last like the burnout or the you know, frustration just what melody was saying. So that’s going to be happening two weeks from now. So just to let you know, Karolina, would you like to say anything?
CL:
No, I really appreciate Claudia’s comment. You know, the differentiation between tiredness fatigue and spiritual drainage, which is what we’re or not looks like for Claudia, but I agree with Melody, it’s gonna look different for everybody, right? And depending on your situation, or who or the individual that you’re caring for, it will definitely look look different for everybody. And I invite you to really think in what way would you know that? That is where you’re at, right? Like maybe you need to fill up your cup a little bit, or like somebody else mentioned earlier, tag somebody else in. So it’s, it’s really a beautiful definition, Claudia of what your burnout looks like. So really, thank you for sharing.
PF:
Thank you for sharing that. Okay, so if you have a child that has been diagnosed with autism where you need to one thing is you need to educate yourself on the way they think, right? I work with so many families that they just received a diagnosis and they’re like, oh, what does autism mean? What does what am I getting into right? Families can become frustrated. And it can be frustrating by you know, trust me, I work with many of these families and I understand how you know, what they’re going through. But understanding how the child’s brain is working life does become easier. Many children on the spectrum are hypersensitive to certain senses, for example, like fluorescent lights, or perfume, sounds, etc. These children on the spectrum also think in black and white as they have no gray hair for them. They get stuck in routines with no allowing with not allowing any type of flexibility. There are just a few traits but so many more you would need to understand and become familiar with this. This is really difficult because there is a lot of information out there for you to learn. We could never say all the information in this one webinar right. However, there’s a few strategies to add to your toolkit now and first is being patience. This can be hard. Patience is the key. Make sure your schedule is structured with routines and allowing them a safe place to be when needed, allowing them their time for example playing on the computer. However, there should be a reward for them. Setting Goals limit choices to avoid no introduce flexibility so they do not become rigid. A good friend of mine always says keep their dance code full, which I have witnessed and it works. The reason I’m showing this book is Dr. Reitman, the founder of different brains wrote Asper tools the practical guide for understanding and embracing Asperger’s, Autism Spectrum Disorder and Neo diversity. It’s an easy to understand book to give simple tools gives action plans and resources to deal with neuro diverse conditions such as autism learning disabilities, ADHD add in, there’s so many more I know Karolina also works with children and adults on the autism spectrum. Would you like to add anything Carolina?
CL:
I think you said everything beautifully, Pati, I think it’s it’s knowing that, yes, children and individuals on the spectrum, do need a routine and all of these beautiful things that you’ve shared, structured and safe place. But it’s also knowing the difference between a routine and a schedule, right? Understanding that routines are sort of those things that happen every day, you know, we wake up, you brush your teeth, you have to eat, I have to have my coffee first thing in the morning. So those those sorts of things that happen every day, and being able to incorporate them throughout the day without having it to be scheduled or at the same time. So within those routines and structure, it’s also teaching flexibility, right? And allowing for what’s going to happen naturally in life, right? Not everything is going to pan out ABC 123. But being able to still engage in those sorts of activities and routines within you know, what it what your what you can do without having to do it so regimented, like at this time every day, but just make sure it gets done. Know.
PF:
Exactly. And this book is so simple. And when I say simple, it’s taught Dr. Reitmans child was diagnosed with autism. So it’s a view from the parents view. It’s also a view from his child, Rebecca Reitman. From their point of view as someone with autism, and also from the teachers point of view. How does it work in school? How do we help children with ADHD or autism or anything like that in school? There’s a So many different types of strategies and tools in this one simple book. But there’s also even if you click on different brains website, they have an array of so much information to podcasts, and articles, anything you’d like to learn, you can actually click onto that link, and it will give you so many more strategies and just the few that we just gave you tonight. But like we were saying, one of them is like, you know, under understanding their ways of living is the key to make your life better. One example is I’ll give you is a family was going on a cruise this summer, and the child who had autism did not want to go panicked, everything. So what we did is we got a game plan of what you know, we got a blueprint of the ship, we sat down, we went through the whole ship with them on their art blueprint, and explained what each deck was like what they had showed pictures, everything, it just reduced their anxiety so much that they did go on the cruise with no, no issues at all. They just needed all that information upfront. And that’s the same thing with like restaurants, you go to restaurants, make sure they get the menu ahead of time. And let them you know, give them two or three choices. And allowing them to be planning ahead of time, that’s really, really, really important. And for many parents, like the kids want to play games all the time on the computers, right, they want to go in their bedrooms, and just play video games all the time. Sure, you can, you can allow that. However, you should make it a reward like saying to them, if you clean up the dishes, then you’ll have 10 minutes on the computer time. So you know and make sure you balance that instead of having them be in the in the room for four to five hours. I know it’s quiet. But making it a reward will help you get what you need from them to it’s like kind of like a game with them. So understanding all of this in this Aspera tools is a wonderful book that shows you that. But there’s much more information even on the Different Brains website that you can get for free. So please check your resources and try to help you know go through there and see if you can find more tools. But it’s constantly going through and finding the tools that would work for your child.
MP:
Okay, we have some comments. Okay. Whoever says Absolutely. I’ve been learning a whole new way of parenting, my adoptive, my adopted son, learning about his brain and what happens from his perspective. And the more I’ve learned has, the more I have learned has helped me. I’m about what I’m having to educate and advocate wherever he goes. Still struggling to get school to understand. So I can see those meltdowns once he gets home. And yeah, for sure.
PF:
Yeah, so Deborah, there’s a meltdown chart like you could do, it’s pretty cool. That to teach a child that you can actually have them feel like when the meltdown. So show them like, like the bell curve, right? You do like a little bell curve. And at the tip is like this is where you’re calm. And as you’re going up to that bell curve to that climate, the highest point of your meltdown, have them, what are you experiencing? What are you feeling because a meltdown stage is only a few minutes, and then when they come down, it’s like, could take a long time to get calmer. If they can actually as they’re feeling their way up that bell curve. And knowing they’re going to hit a meltdown, use your strategies at that point before they get to the tip. So like, hey, I can take some deep breaths, I can go outside, I can take a walk. I can, you know, do all these different strategies that will help prevent meltdowns. And that’s what you want to teach your child especially if they’re younger. So when they get to like a teenage years, they can actually try to control their meltdowns. Good points. Deborah. Thank you.
MP:
Thank you, Pati. We have another comment from Jackie. She says I do not I do not disagree. But a parent cannot modify the world around them. And she also says that she will look at the website for the resources that we’ve mentioned.
PF:
Okay, thanks, Jackie. And we’re always here for you. If you want to send emails or just ask questions, we can help and support you there also.
CL:
And Jackie, just to sort of touch back on what you’re saying 100% agree. And that’s why we make sure that that the routine, whatever it is a has to get done, is done within a way A that is feasible for everybody, especially the caregivers. And so that way it’s not it has to happen every day at 10am. Right? But that it’s just something that happens to sort of throughout the day. And maybe sometimes it doesn’t happen. And so being able to teach that flexibility and go from there will, will definitely make your your life a little bit easier. And definitely you can’t modify the world around them. So it’s just really teaching and sort of modeling. Okay, well, this may not happen at this time every day. But it’s okay. Right. So great, great point. Okay, thank you.
PF:
Okay, Melodie, would you like to discuss other strategies to add to the caregiver toolkit?
MP:
Of course, Pati. I know you mentioned patients already. But that’s, that’s at the top of the list, right? And being patient and not allowing yourself to be triggered by other people’s behavior so that you can, you know, continue to maintain your level heads so that you can act accordingly and act properly and not really, you know, kind of like, just become so overwhelmed that you have no way of calming yourself back down. So patience is definitely key. Another one, again, which is related to patients is walking away when you feel overwhelmed, right? You’re feeling you’ve had it up to here today, you’re ready to just call it quits, it’s a good thing to just walk away. Reflect on how you’re feeling asking internally, like, what is going on? Why am I feeling this way. And hopefully, you will come up with an answer. Just really taking the time to reflect and as you’re reflecting Another good tool that will accompany that with is taking deep breaths, right? Just take calming yourself sitting down and can take 5, 10, 15, 20 deep breaths, however many it takes for you, right? Just using those just to get back to, you know, remembering what’s important. And it’s when your well being right, because we know that when you get angry, like this is affecting your blood pressure, not your care recipients blood pressure, it’s affecting your well being. So these tools that we’re giving you are a way are really just a reminder of things that you can really use to really protect yourself against all the ups and downs that caregiving comes with, right. Another one here is calling for support when needed. And last week, I spoke heavily about you know, community and networking. And hopefully you still have that list that I if you weren’t here, hopefully you still have that list that I that I had you make so that you can point at one person from that list and and say, Okay, I’m calling this person for help, right? And then the last one really is sticking to boundaries, right? So really sticking to morning, like, okay, we’re, we have to wake up we have to have a routine. And then there’s you know, I have my own eating schedules and, and really like thinking of yourself throughout the day, not saying not taking care of someone all day, and then it’s 10pm. And you finally sit down and you’re like, oh my gosh, I’ve had no water today, which a lot of us can relate to Right? Or oh my gosh, like did I eat? Like, let’s not do this to ourselves, let’s think about ourselves, and really value and just appreciate ourselves for who we are. And not just as caregivers, but as individuals with individual needs. That’s it.
PF:
That goes really great into the next section, finding the balance, right? So how do we find the balance when we are so busy doing the things that upset the balance, like melody was just saying you go through the whole day and you realize, oh my goodness, I didn’t have my lunch? I didn’t drink my water? How do we find the balance? Right? So I want you to take a moment and think about that question. You know, some sometimes just when we think we have, you know, a handle on things or handle on life, something changes and we have to start from scratch again. And that can become frustrating, you know? And you can check to see how you are balancing what what you feel. How do we fight? How do you find the balance when we are so busy? How do you find the balance when you’re so busy in life. On the next slide, there’s a really great quote, and I really liked this quote, it’s it. It’s it’s from the today’s caregiver I found it from Cheryl Leary and it says I believe we achieve balance And when we meet our own needs, as well as the needs of those who depend on us. So as caregivers we need as caregivers to begin focusing on ourselves, which sometimes can be difficult. And I know sometimes it can be extremely difficult. But remember how important taking care of ourselves is the utmost importance when caring for someone else. So that’s just a quote that I really thought was really powerful to me. I don’t know, Melodie and Carolina would like to chime in.
CL:
Thank you, you said it. Well, Pati, before we take care of others, first and foremost, we need to take care of yourself. Right, like you mentioned a couple of webinars ago, in the airplane, when the mask comes down, you got to put the oxygen mask on first before you help anybody else that’s with you. So I do think that it’s a beautiful quote, Pati.
PF:
I do I love that, quote, Melodie.
MP:
I definitely can relate to this. And I love that. And I think a lot of times I use the metaphor, you can’t pour from an empty cup. And because you you can’t, you know, you can’t pour from nothing. So you have to fill yourself up in order for you to pour into others in order for you to care for others.
PF:
Thank you Melodie. So this sheet I just set up, because this is more of a direction sitz sheet to a sample sheet to show you. Because if you come back into different brains and click on this, you’ll see if you don’t understand it, but we are going to be doing this activity. So we’re going to go to the next slide. So I connect actually explain it to the individuals. So what I’d like you to do is too, you know, so like, you know, balancing your sheet, how do we do this? How do we understand if this is really what we are, you know, we understand. So you would take a sheet of paper, right? And on one side of the forum, you can put the person’s name that you’re caring for the caring that you’re providing for another person. And on the other right side, you put your care who you’re providing for yourself, right. And then you write down exactly what you’ve done to provide for another, right, all that the care that you’ve done for them. And then on the right side, it’s what you’ve done for yourself, you know. So if you let’s see, we’re going to actually ask you, we’re going to invite you if you go to the next sheet, next slide, Karolina, we’re going to ask the individuals, Oh, is it okay, so in this one, we are, we’re asking you to actually do a form like this for you today, like so split the paper down in half if you like. And actually you do the journaling yourself, write down things that you’ve done for the person that you taken care of. On the right, you write down all this stuff for yourself. I’ll give you guys a few minutes and then we’re going to reflect on it. You can write your reflections in the chatbox we’ll just take like, two minutes and then we’ll we’ll reflect on that.
CL:
So sort of idea is whatever you have done for the individual individuals that you’re caring for will be the same thing that you did for yourself, and you can reflect back maybe today or earlier in the week. And so that the idea is that whatever you you have done for those you’re caring for, you will have done the same for yourself.
MP:
And if you haven’t done those things for yourself, then that will show you that imbalance right? And that’s what we want to bring to your awareness you’re possibly doing a lot more for your care recipient than you’re doing for yourself. So this is really just to bring to your to the to the forefront of your mind. Am I taking care of myself as much as I’m taking care of my care recipient? One more minute.
PF:
Okay. And just remember, as you’re doing this, you know, in the beginning, when you first begin doing a journaling like this, it may be very one sided, you know, and like melody was saying, we have to be aware of this and then once we’re aware of it, then we can help and balance and this is a great way of giving you a visual to be aware. Does anybody with like to reflect in that in the chat? Like, did you think it would be so off balance? Are you balanced? Do you think this is a good strategy for you to balance yourself?
CL:
Or any questions you have on this activity
PF:
So if you’re giving the lunch to your, to the person you’re providing care for, but you’re sitting in the kitchen eating, as you’re multitasking, you can’t give yourself credit for that. And that’s why we would like you to really be aware of your balance sheet. So you can actually balance and try to get close to balancing with the one you’re caring for.
MP:
Our time’s up. If you would like to share in the chat, or if you would like to keep it privately and reflect on it and journal about it. You can also do that. And if you’d like to share in the chat, I do have a question in the chat. Are your sheets balanced? Let us know. Oh, we have we have a comment. Deborah says I can see that there is not as much imbalance as there has been in the past. So that’s a good reflection. That’s a good thing to be aware of. I’m learning I had my burnout two years ago. So I’m pleased to say to see the improvements that I’m making. And we’re, we’re rooting for you that. Yes, we are. Yes, we love to see it. Thank you for sharing. Thank you.
CL:
That’s wonderful, Deborah, and that the idea is exactly that. Right. So to build that awareness and that mindfulness, that maybe you were two years ago, in the burnout phase, and now look at how much progress you’ve made. Right may not be perfect, because that doesn’t exist. But that’s the whole idea to make progress, right to have progress, not perfection. So great job, keep up, keep up the good work and whatever it is that you’re doing. To not go back to that phase. Right, continue doing it.
PF:
Are you journaling? Deborah, I’m, I’m seeing that you’re seeing this big change, which is great. Yes. See, journaling is really a really cool way of keeping yourself aware of what’s going on. Right?
MP:
Definitely. We have another comment from Jackie, she says, I think the list looks helpful. I have non negotiable self care items that are daily like that our daily like ritual ritually having a skincare routine and items like that. We love that. Can you doing that continue setting those boundaries, continue not negotiating on yourself? Because we need you. Like, we need you to like, again, you can’t pour from an empty cup. So fill yourself up before you go out and try giving it out to the world.
PF:
Yes, and spread this word like you know, you’re gonna meet other people and telling them your stories, you know, advocating for self that’s what you know, we all need to do is as caregivers, right? We need to support each other and help each other in our community.
CL:
Yes, and I love absolutely love that phrase, Jackie. non negotiable self care.
PF:
I love it, too. That’s wonderful. So as we’re building these toolkits, we’re this is just a reminder, if you have not been in our other webinars that you’re welcome to go back in as soon as all our webinars are done. And actually go back and see all the things that we’ve added in our toolkits, like from journaling or activities, guided meditation, we talked about woebot, which is pretty cool. It’s your personal self care expert that’s online. Exercising good nutrition and balance sheets, right. So we’re going to keep adding to these, these tools to help you the caregiver. So I think we have one more slide.
CL:
And of course, we’re also always here, the Different Brains website if you need additional support.
MP:
We are here. Absolutely. I agree. Um, thank you, Pati. We’ll be moving into the q&a session. Now. If everyone could add their questions in the chat, we will happily answer them. I’ll give everyone a couple minutes to add those questions. Okay.
SW:
Okay, thank you panelists so much for the information that you given tonight, we’re going to start the q&a now. The first question that we have is, what are some tips for caregiving in a way that doesn’t hamper? What level of independence someone has?
PF:
Good question, Melodie, what do you, I’m thinking of this question. Um, what do you think Melodie?
MP:
I think really just going back to like, setting boundaries, right? And really checking in with yourself. And knowing when you’re reaching a limit where you need that help, right? And really asking for help, it shouldn’t matter what level of of caregiving it is, right, because again, are about even boundaries, and just putting yourself and I know, a lot of people who are caregivers do not think of putting themselves first, right. But that’s the goal, that’s what we want you to do, is thinking about the self first in order for you to really be your best self and caring for others. So I think boundary is asking for help are some of the some of the things other things that we’ve discussed throughout these webinars, and we’ll continue to discuss in the next two weeks, right? Hopefully, all these things combined together will really be kind of like that ultimate toolkit that you really need in order to just really be unfazed, no matter what level of caregiving you’re at.
PF:
And exactly, and planning ahead, like having those resources, they’re at the tip of your fingers. So you know, when you need them, they’re right there for you. So being prepared.
CL:
And also in regards to, you know, to the levels of the care dependent, it’s, it’s more so for you to have a visual, you know, if you feel it’s not something that that helps you, but rather gives you a little bit more like, oh, wow, where is that person going to be? Then you can completely disregard it’s just something that we noticed helped, you know, has helped others. So it’s not so much about the level of of care for the dependent, but it’s more so about you remember that all these webinars are about the caregivers, we wanted to have a space for you all, where we can try to provide as many resources as possible, and really just an outlet to to care for the caregivers, because we are very much aware that there are so many resources for the care recipient. But our our whole purpose of this series and of this webinar, alongside different brains was to provide that opportunity for the caregivers to give you that space, and to create those boundaries. And I think Deborah chimed in the chat. That’s what she had to change. And yes, boundaries are a biggie, I think those are those are big for everyone. Right? And it’s hard to get there. It’s hard to establish those boundaries. But once you do, not only will you know the person that you’re caring for, and those around you be better, but you right, like Melodie says all the time, you can’t? What is it, they say you can drink from an empty cup.
MP:
Can’t pour from an empty cup.
CL:
I always get those things wrong. Um, but definitely making sure you take care of yourself first before others and that that’s really our whole intent with this caregiver series is to to provide a space for caregivers.
PF:
Yes, agreed.
SW:
Thank you guys. Okay, it’s for the second question. How can we effectively communicate our needs to those we are caregiving for?
PF:
Another good question. So if you could talk to them, if they’re at the level that you can actually talk and communicate with them, talk to them, tell them you know, I mean, that’s okay. Sometimes we’re, you know, whoever we’re caring for may not have that may not be ready to sit and listen, you know, that’s when you need support from others to have them listen to your needs. But it depends on the person you’re caring for. If it’s a young child, they’re not going to be able to understand what you’re saying, right? But having someone there to support you, even if it’s not the one you’re caring for, but if it is and they can actually speak and talk and listen and understand what you’re saying. It’s okay to talk to them and tell them you know, where you’re coming from and how, you know, this frustrates you or anything like that, it’s okay. But if you don’t have that person, then please have someone that you can actually support, you know. Okay, and I think Jackie just said, I have to leave the call now. Thank you. Thank you, Jackie, for all your support for coming tonight.
CL:
Okay. And I think, Pati, also to add what you were saying, it’s also knowing that you may not have the answer or you may not have, I think back to when my mom was caregiving for my grandma, at times, she didn’t want to know what, what, what my mom felt she just wanted to do her own thing, you know, and so, okay, that’s okay. And sort of going along with it. Like you said earlier, not really disagreeing, but just going with the flow. And that made her life so much easier. But, you know, obviously, she had she had dementia, and it was a lot of the things we’ve been speaking about. But she learned my mom learned throughout, you know, the time where you you couldn’t really argue with her because it was it was pointless, right. So sometimes it’s really having yourself as a caregiver, just fill yourself with a lot of patience. One and well I’m gonna say it backwards number one, make sure you’re taking care of yourself which is really what we’ve been talking about re engaging in mindfulness exercise, whatever it is that you need to to feel content and then to filling your yourself with a lot of patients is really is really the way and again like Patti said, if it’s your children, it’s a little different. But finding you know those those breathing exercises and being able to do it with them with children. I mean, I do this all the time with my with my 12 year old and we’ve been doing it since she was little, you know, engaging in those breathing exercises, not just for the child but for you as well. Sometimes you need to go from 60 to zero. So sometimes that will help as well and being able to engage and model those breathing exercises will help everyone.
PF:
Thank you Carolina.
SW:
Okay, so we have time for one more question, can attending personal therapy be considered a tool for the toolkit?
PF:
I think we would all agree with that. Yes.
CL:
Yeah, absolutely.
MP:
Absolutely. Because in therapy, individual therapy, you get a space where you’re able to really reflect even deeper than you’re able to reflect with a journal, right? Because you also have a professional there who’s guiding that reflection forward for you. And it’s the best thing to do for yourself. It’s that one hour where you’re not thinking about your care recipient, but you’re really thinking about yourself and reflecting on how you’re feeling how your week has been. So yes, yes, yes. 1000 times? Yes. Like Deborah says, in the chat, we do support therapy for as one of the tools, right.
CL:
And, of course, you’re speaking to three therapists. So we’re going to be a little biased on this subject. But it’s definitely helpful. You know, it’s somebody that is not directly involved, that will have empathy, and that will listen with no judgment, because that’s really what therapy is all about. Right? And another thing with therapy is that there doesn’t necessarily have to be a problem for you to go to therapy, right? As a caregiver, maybe there’s not a serious problem. But you want somebody to process and you want somebody to be able to tell Listen, this is what I’m going through. And so really, yes, I want to agree with Deborah. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh, and Deborah says yes, that’s exactly what I needed. So I just go once a week. That’s great.
SW:
Okay, so that is the end of our q&a. Thank you everyone for your questions. Any final thoughts from our panelists? Pati, Melodie, and Carolina?
PF:
I’m just enjoying these webinars. I think this is great to have a platform to stand and talk about being a caregiver and this is our time and our space to talk about things that maybe we’re we’re understanding or giving strategies and and giving you support. So we want to thank you for attending and yeah, thank you Carolina.
CL:
Yes, no thank you everyone for attending again and we will see you next week. We have two more webinars and we hope to continue the active participation. We appreciate everyone who shows up and has questions and comments and you know motivates us to keep us going and please let us know reach out to any one of us if there’s anything else that we can support with or any questions we are here. Melodie.
MP:
Thank you Carolina. I really want to echo what you both said. This wouldn’t be possible without you all. So thank you for attending. Thank you for coming. And thank you for participating. We look forward to seeing you at our next our last two webinars at on when they’re on Wednesdays at 630. Eastern time. So have a great rest of your evening and thank you for attending.
PF:
Thank you, everyone.
SW:
Thank you to our amazing presenters and thank you everyone for attending. Be sure to come back in one week for the fourth installment and please visit that site DifferentBrains.org For more content and resources related to caregiving, as well as many other topics. We will be sharing links and contact information for everyone in the chat box. It looks like this already posted it on the screen from everyone here at Different Brains . Good night and thank you again. Thank you good night.
