Category: Blog

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How Therapy Helps Us in Learning to Let Go

Darlene Lancer shares how therapy can be beneficial when it comes to letting go...
Cover image - Navigating Shadow Syndromes: The Role of Clinical Judgement in ADHD Diagnoses

Navigating Shadow Syndromes: The Role of Clinical Judgement in ADHD Diagnoses

Self-advocate Cynthia Hammer, MSW discusses the issue of doctors mistaking other conditions for ADHD,...
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Three Hidden Behaviors of Narcissists

Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT shares three common traits of narcissists that are often hidden...
“Remembering Dr. Mark Goulston” appears next to black and white photo of the man wearing glasses

Remembering Dr. Mark Goulston

Dr. Hackie Reitman shares his thoughts on the passing of his friend, psychiatrist, author,...
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The Difficulty With Diagnosing Autism

Autism self-advocate & therapist Sean M Inderbitzen LCSW, DSW explores the process of receiving...
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ADHD, Aging, and Memory

Self-advocate Nicholas Bamonte explores the connections between ADHD and memory deficits....

5 Tips on How to Keep New Year’s Resolutions

Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT explains why resolutions can fail, and gives 5 tips for...
Cover image - The Wounded Healer’s Journey

The Wounded Healer’s Journey

Therapist and self-advocate Gabriela Guardarrama shares the concept of the "wounded healer", and how...
Cover image - Autism & Purpose: The Space Beyond The Wins And The Losses

Autism & Purpose: The Space Beyond The Wins And The Losses

Autism self-advocate & therapist Sean M Inderbitzen LCSW, DSW shares his thoughts on finding...
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Baby Steps: Not Just for Babies

Autism mom and author Wendy Lyman discusses the importance of optimism and understanding in...
Cover image - The Narcissistic Relationship Cycle

The Narcissistic Relationship Cycle

Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT explores the cycle of narcissistic relationships, and offers tools for...
Cover image - Disabilities & Travel: The Trip of a Lifetime

Disabilities & Travel: The Trip of a Lifetime

Disability advocate and champion Dr. J.R. Harding shares his experiences and challenges traveling the...
Cover image - Epilepsy Advocacy- Speaking Out and Making a Difference

Epilepsy Advocacy: Speaking Out and Making a Difference

Epilepsy self-advocate Tom McGranahan, Jr. discusses why he believes advocacy is so important....
Cover image - My Journey Into the World of Neurodiversity

My Journey Into the World of Neurodiversity

Manisha Lad shares her journey towards creating the Akhil Autism Foundation, and how they...
Cover image - Mental Health & Relationships: Navigating Manipulation in Dating

Mental Health & Relationships: Navigating Manipulation in Dating

Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT discusses her experience recognizing signs of manipulation while dating....
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ADHD and Friendships

Self-advocate Cynthia Hammer, MSW highlights challenges people with ADHD can have with friendships, and...
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The Never Quite Empty Nest

Autism mom Wendy Lyman discusses her experiences with "empty nest" syndrome, while offering continuing...
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Understanding Ego

Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT explores the difference between "strong", "weak", and "big" egos, and...
Cover image - When Leaders Need a Recharge

When Leaders Need a Recharge

Denise D. Resnik discusses the 12th First Place Global Leadership Institute symposium, snd how...
Cover image - From Bullying Victim to Successful Entrepreneur: A Neurodivergent's Story of Recovery From Abuse

From Bullying Victim to Successful Entrepreneur: A Neurodivergent’s Story of Recovery From Abuse

Neurodivergent self-advocate Andrew McDonald shares his journey overcoming the long-term effects of bullying to...
Cover image - Lack of Empathy and What You Can Do Lack of empathy is not sufficient for a diagnosis of narcissism but it underlies several narcissistic traits, such as arrogance, entitlement, and being exploitative. On the other hand, a lack of empathy can be associated with borderline personality disorder, autism, bipolar disorder, and sociopathy, as well as more benign problems, such as low emotional intelligence, stress, and alexithymia. Alexithymia (a restricted ability to identify and describe emotions) is often caused by a lack of appropriate emotional modeling during childhood and may be related to depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and some medical conditions. When a parent is self-centered due to addiction, depression, or a personality disorder and they were unable to appropriately attune to your emotions, then your ability to identify them may become impaired. When a lack of empathy is not a sign of full-fledged narcissistic personality disorder (as distinguished from having some narcissistic traits, the person may be able to learn empathy. Brain Differences There are several areas in the brain that regulate compassion. These areas impact positive emotions and behavior toward other people, such as remorse, empathy, appreciation, and gratitude. For some individuals due to atypical patterns in these regions, they process interactions with other people differently, which leads to problems with social cues and empathy. For example, this is true in narcissistic personality disorder. According to neuropsychologist Ronda Freeman, narcissists have a brain pattern that reflects hypersensitivity toward themselves and insensitivity toward others. This explains their self-centered coldness toward others, narcissistic abuse, and their exquisite sensitivity to any perceived slight or criticism. What is Empathy Empathy is the ability to understand other people’s feelings and needs. There is cognitive and emotional empathy. Cognitive empathy is the ability to understand intellectually and take the other person’s perspective. Emotional empathy is the ability to identify with what another person feels through shared experiences of emotional situations. A person who lacks empathy may struggle with regulating their own feelings. Many narcissists have cognitive empathy and can use their skill to manipulate other people, yet they’re often unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others. The Impact of Lack of Empathy When a parent or partner lacks empathy, you might feel unimportant, uncared about, and unloved – that your needs and feelings, essentially YOU, don’t matter. Conversations are frustrating, because you don’t feel understood or seen. Our emotions are such a core part of ourselves that when loved ones are not attuned to them or our needs, we feel alone and disconnected from them. In childhood, these feelings lead to shame and distort your self-concept when your parent lacks empathy. It is a trauma of emotional abandonment that can lead to relationships where you feel the same way. Since you don’t feel you deserve better treatment, you’re more likely to deny and tolerate a partner who lacks empathy. You might rationalize their behavior by judging yourself or just trying harder to please and get love. It can create an insecure, anxious attachment style. Signs of Lack of Empathy These signs should be considered altogether to paint an individual’s profile. One sign may be insufficient to indicate an inability to empathize, especially if it is only occasional, while other traits are more serious. Even many people capable of empathy are unable to empathize or take your perspective when put on the defensive or in a heated argument. Remember that in most cases, the inability to empathize originates in the brain and is unconscious and not willful. Although the person may intellectually understand right from wrong, their brain makes them more self-focused and insensitive to the feelings and needs of others. Here is a list of some of the consequences that impact empathy and compassion: 1. 1. Self-Centeredness a. The person does not consider other people and is not interested in your needs and feelings. The relationship feels one-sided and all about them. 2. 2. Indifferent to the suffering of others or animals a. This shows a degree of coldness; however, some people are only moved by the suffering of loved ones, while other people empathize with plants. 3. 3. Indifferent for your successes and good news a. It’s a sign they only care about themselves when you share your successes – except in instances where you have implemented their ideas, which they can take pride in. 4. 4. Monopolizes conversations a. This indicates they lack interest in you or getting to know your feelings. They are often poor listeners. Someone insecure or a narcissist may be envious of and competitive with you and withhold praise and encouragement. 5. 5. Disregards your boundaries a. Because they lack empathy, your needs and feelings are unimportant. Narcissists don’t see other people as separate from themselves, so there is no boundary for them. 6. 6. Won't compromise a. A person who disregards your needs and feelings won’t be motivated to compromise. Narcissists act as if it’s “My way, or the highway.” Decisions must favor them despite your protest. They place their interests before yours and the welfare of the relationship. 7. 7. Lacks responsibility and regret for hurting people a. A person without empathy isn’t aware of their impact on other people. Narcissists almost never take responsibility for their actions due to their shame and rarely admit mistakes. When you explain it to them, they might not care – especially true of a narcissist. 8. 8. Never apologizes a. Because of No. 7, a person without empathy, particularly narcissists, rarely apologize. Some narcissists do apologize, but it may be a manipulation to get their needs met by you. You may be unable to tell whether they’re sincere. Notice if they repeat the same objectionable behavior and act like the apology never happened. 9. 9. Unaware of their impact on others socially a. Without empathy, a person may act inappropriately, unless they have been taught or learned by observation how people behave. For example, they learn to say please and thank you. Still, there are situations where they are obnoxious or inappropriate, such as asking a widow for a favor at her husband’s funeral. Larry David on “Curb Your Enthusiasm” continually makes these faux pas. Unlike most narcissists, he tries to make amends and apologizes but he usually compounds his error. 10. 10. Impatient with other people, their emotions and problems a. Because they don’t understand and care about other people’s feelings, another person’s feelings and misfortune are often considered irrelevant and treated as an inconvenience. Your feelings and problems are of no consequence – unless they impact them. 11. 11. Harshly critical of other people a. Someone without empathy who prioritizes their needs and feelings above other people tries to control their environment to suit them. They want other people to behave in ways that meet their needs. Rather than take responsibility for their own discomfort, they blame and expect other people to calm their inner turmoil. 12. 12. Limited forgiveness a. Narcissists and other aggressive individuals without empathy often hold grudges and can’t forgive other people for their mistakes or weaknesses. They are just as hard on themselves due to internal shame, but rarely reveal that. In their eyes, forgiving someone also gives the other person power, and they want to retain power and control to feel safe. 13. 13. Takes but won't share or reciprocate a. A self-centered person, particularly a narcissist, feels entitled to have things go their way. It also is an expression of power and dominance, which makes them feel safe. They can dish and have endless demands, but won’t give – unless it benefits them. 14. 14. Treats service employees as personal servants a. People without empathy don’t realize people have feelings just as they do. Narcissists view other people as objects to serve their needs. They are also arrogant, status-conscious, and feel entitled. They look down on people of a lower status and those being paid for a service. 15. 15. Feels entitled to exploit people a. Not everyone who lacks empathy exploits people, but a lack of empathy makes it easier to do so. Because narcissists lack empathy and feel entitled, even if they’re made aware of the impact of their behavior, they may not care – unless they stand to suffer from their exploitative behavior. 16. 16. Victim-blaming a. Rather than take responsibility for their behavior and injury to other people, they blame someone else, including the person they hurt. See D.A.R.V.O. 17. 17. Difficulty understanding and regulating their emotions a. Just as they have difficulty understanding other people’s emotions, they can’t regulate their own. They blame other people for their feelings and try to control other people instead of themselves. 18. 18. They believe their children owe them a. This is particularly true of narcissists who see their children as objects and expect them to take care of their needs rather than the other way around. What You Can Do Your options will vary depending on the cause of the person’s inability to empathize. Most people with a personality disorder can be motivated to understand you cognitively and pay attention to your needs, although they may not be able to feel what you feel. 1. Identify your feelings when you’re not understood. If you have strong feelings of hurt or anger, you may be experiencing a trauma reaction from childhood. Journal about related childhood experiences. 2. Detach from the other person’s lack of empathy. They never learned it and/or their brain lacks that capacity. Remember QTIP: Quit Taking It Personally. 3. Model empathy. Identify and name feelings, and communicate the impact of the person’s behavior. With an abuser, use Strategic Transactional Communication described in my book on narcissism. (This teaches empathy and is especially important with children.) 4. Have a calm, empathetic, nonjudgmental conversation about the problem. Be assertive. Let the person know the impact on you, the relationship, what’s missing, and how things would feel if the person made an effort to understand you better. Be patient. Most people don’t like to hear about their shortcomings and may deny them at first. Don’t try to solve the problem in the first conversation. Ask the person if they would think about your concerns. Allow your words to sink in. 5. If the person is not interested in discussing this or dismisses your feelings, use Strategic Transactional Communication described in Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships to motivate them and to get your needs met. 6. Practice compassion for yourself and the other person to accept their limitations. Find empathetic people to talk to. Listen to the Self-Love Meditation. 7. Get counseling to heal past and present trauma around emotional abandonment. 8 Motivate the other person to seek therapy. Perhaps this issue has hindered their other relationships or success at work. Use Strategic Transactional Communication to motivate them. See Therapy for Narcissists. © 2023 Darlene Lancer Karukivi M, Saarijärvi S. “Development of alexithymic personality features.” World J Psychiatry. 2014 Dec 22;4(4):91-102. doi: 10.5498/wjp.v4.i4.9.1 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4274591/

Lack of Empathy and What You Can Do

Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT explores signs and impacts of a lack of empathy, and...

The Autistic Traveler: An Introduction

Stephen Gaiber, aka The Autistic Traveler, shares his history of international travel, and his...
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ADHD and Tab Hoarding

ADHD self-advocate Nicholas Bamonte discusses the phenomena of tab hoarding, and offers tools to...
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Doggone Helpful: A Look at Service Dogs

Kim Lew discusses the benefits of service dogs, and how to find one, with...
Cover image - Autism & Writing: How Poetry Helps Me Communicate

Autism & Writing: How Poetry Helps Me Communicate

Autism self-advocate Lisa Smith shares how she found her voice through writing poetry...
Cover image - Parenting, Comorbidities, and the Serenity Prayer

Parenting, Comorbidities, and the Serenity Prayer

Wendy Lyman shares her journey towards understanding her autistic son's co-occurring diagnoses....
Cover image - Myths About Narcissism

Myths About Narcissism

Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT explores and debunks common myths about Narcissistic Personality Disorder....
Cover image - A Neurodivergent’s Guide to Taking Charge of your Career

A Neurodivergent’s Guide to Taking Charge of your Career

The team from Mentra describes how neurodivergent individuals can use their platform to find...
Cover image - Missed & Misdiagnosed: The Importance Of Screening For Neurodiversity In The Criminal Justice System

Missed & Misdiagnosed: The Importance Of Screening For Neurodiversity In The Criminal Justice System

Helen Arnold-Richardson discusses the importance of screening and diagnosing neurodivergent individuals in the Criminal...
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My Story of Autistic Burnout & Recovery

Katie Oswald, self-advocate and Executive Director of the Full Spectrum Agency for Autistic Adults,...
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One Individual’s Journey With ADHD

Self-advocate Camilla Watson details her personal experiences with undiagnosed ADHD, and how she received...
Cover image - Neurodiversity: One View on What it is, and Why it is

Neurodiversity: One View on What it is, and Why it is

Self-advocate Nicholas Bamonte shares his thoughts on neurodiversity being an important aspect of human...
Cover image - Compassion: The Ultimate Antidote

Compassion: The Ultimate Antidote

Autism mom and author Wendy Lyman discusses the difference compassion can make during parenting...
Cover image - Mental Health & Relationships: What Are Interdependent Relationships?

Mental Health & Relationships: What Are Interdependent Relationships?

Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT explains what an interdependent relationship is, and the roles autonomy,...
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Autism & Communication: I Don’t Understand You… Here’s How You Can Help

Autism self-advocate Kim Lew offers tips for avoiding miscommunication with people on the spectrum....
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Autism & Dynamic Assessment

Self-advocates and therapist Sean Inderbitzen, LCSW explores the methods used to diagnose autism, and...
Cover image - A Successful ADHD Journey Starts with a Single Step

A Successful ADHD Journey Starts with a Single Step

Self-advocate Cynthia Hammer, MSW contemplates the effects of an ADHD diagnosis, and how it...
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10 Reasons Emotional Abuse is Traumatizing

Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT highlights the dangers and repercussions of suffering emotional abuse....
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Processing My Processing Speed Deficit

Different Brains intern and self-advocate Nicholas Bamonte discusses the impact processing speed deficits have...
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Is ADHD a Disability or a Difference?

Self-advocate Cynthia Hammer, MSW weighs whether ADHD should be considered a difference or a...
Cover image - Growing Up with ADHD & Autism

Growing Up with ADHD & Autism

Different Brains intern and self-advocate Emily Steinbach shares her experiences with ADHD and autism....
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Covert vs. Grandiose Narcissists

Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT explores the differences between grandiose and covert narcissists....
Cover image - The Gray Truth: Helping Truth-Tellers Navigate ‘White Lies’

The Gray Truth: Helping Truth-Tellers Navigate ‘White Lies’

Wendy Lyman discusses the challenges her truth-telling neurodivergent son has coming to terms with...
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My Journey Into Asperger’s: Self-Advocating in South Africa

South African self-advocate and coach Rian Pelati shares his journey towards a diagnosis of...
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Learning About Service Dogs

Self-advocate Laura Hamilton explores different kinds of service dogs, and how they are trained...
Cover image - Mental Health & Relationships: Dealing with an Abuser or Narcissist

Mental Health & Relationships: Dealing with an Abuser or Narcissist

Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT discusses steps to healthily navigate abusive or narcissistic people when...
Cover image - A Neurodivergent’s Journey into J.O.Y.

A Neurodivergent’s Journey into J.O.Y.

ADHD self-advocate and Neurodiversity Life Coach Renee Rosales, M.Ed. discusses how an acronym helped...
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The Promises of Recovery

Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT explores the rewards we get through our journeys of recovery....
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Neurodiverse In The Open: To Self-Identify Or Not?

Cris Brady, M.Ed. discusses the pros and cons of forcing neurodivergent individuals to self-identify...
Cover image - Covid’s Effects on Teenage Anxiety: My Personal Struggle

COVID’s Effects on Teenage Anxiety: My Personal Struggle

Angelina Vinci shares how the COVID lockdown impacted her mental health and her development...
Cover image - Healing Trauma and Your Inner Child

Healing Trauma and Your Inner Child

Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT explores the concept of the "inner-child" and how it can...
Cover image - Why The Social Model of Disability Is Better Than the Medical Model of Disability

Why I Think The Social Model of Disability Is Better Than the Medical Model

Autism self-advocate Rebecca Witonsky discusses why she thinks the social model of disability is...
Cover image - Living with a Narcissist

Living with a Narcissist

Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT explores the realities of life with a narcissistic partner....
Cover image - A Season for Tea: Contemplation and Closure

A Season for Tea: Contemplation and Closure

Autism self-advocates Sean Inderbitzen, LCSW discusses how contemplative moments drinking tea helped him reach...
Cover image - Fighting Against Neuro-Discrimination in the Workplace

Fighting Against Neuro-Discrimination in the Workplace

Neurodivergent researcher Damian Mellifont discusses factors that contribute to neuro-discrimination in the workplace and...
Cover image - How Trauma Can Hijack Your Life

How Trauma Can Hijack Your Life

Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT discusses how trauma can change the way we react to...
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Autistic People in Military Service

Canadian self-advocate Aaron Bouma shares how people with autism are overlooked for military service,...
Cover image - How Reading Helped Me Recover From My Diagnosis of Inattentive ADHD

How Reading Helped Me Recover From My Diagnosis of Inattentive ADHD

Self-advocate Cynthia Hammer, MSW shares three books that eased her feelings of devastation following...
Cover image - Why Metacognition Matters – A Lot!

Why Metacognition Matters – A Lot!

Educator Liz Keable explains what "metacognition" is, and how it is vital for all...
Cover image - Mental Health & Relationships: What is "Playing the Victim"?

Mental Health & Relationships: Is Someone “Playing the Victim”?

Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT discusses what it means for someone to "play the victim"...
Cover image - Masking or Camouflaging: An Autistic Self-Advocate Dialogue

Masking or Camouflaging: An Autistic Self-Advocate Dialogue

Autism self-advocates Sean Inderbitzen, LCSW and Lisa Morgan M.Ed. CAS discuss the causes and...
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Is Your Relationship Toxic?

Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT discusses toxic relationships, and what to do if you find...
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Why I Don‘t Tell People I Have Asperger’s

Different Brains interns and autistic self-advocate Bailey Bender shares why she feels functioning labels...
Cover image - Thankful To Be Okay: An Epilepsy Incident

Thankful To Be Okay: An Epilepsy Incident

Tom McGranahan, Jr. discusses one instance of a past seizure, and why he is...
Cover image - Dealing With Relationship Anxiety

Dealing With Relationship Anxiety

Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT discusses the signs and causes of relationship anxiety, and offers...
Cover image - What I Wish I Knew When I Began Raising an Autistic Child

What I Wish I Knew When I Began Raising an Autistic Child

Podcaster and autism mom Jessica Kidwell shares things she wish knew when she began...
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Signs of Healthy Boundaries

Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT explains the value of healthy boundaries, and gives 10 signs...
Cover image - Individuation: From Codependent Chameleon to Selfhood

Individuation: From Codependent Chameleon to Selfhood

Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT discusses how one's concept of self can be obscured by...
Cover image - Where Are My ADHD Gifts?

Where Are My ADHD Gifts?

Self-advocate Cynthia Hammer, MSW shares her take on the gifts and challenges of inattentive...
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CRAFT: Helping People with Addiction Get Treatment

Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT discusses the pros and cons of the CRAFT method of...
Cover image - Meditation: The Original Neurodiverse Curriculum

Meditation: The Original Neurodiverse Curriculum

Educator Joseph Lento explains the various ways people meditate in daily life, and the...
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Why I Consider Myself ‘Differently-abled’ — Not Disabled

Autism, OCD, and ADHD self-advocate Jordan O’Kelley shares why he sees neurodiversity as a...
Cover image - Bridging the Gap Between the Autistic & Non-Autistic Ways of Thinking

Bridging the Gap Between the Autistic & Non-Autistic Ways of Thinking

Speech-Lang. Pathologist Staci Neustadt and retired OT & self-advocate Susan Golubock discuss a new...
Cover image - The Autonomic Nervous System & Technology: Towards a More Kind Future

The Autonomic Nervous System & Technology: Towards a More Kind Future

Autism self-advocate and therapist Sean Inderbitzen discusses how technology may help people communicate their...
Cover image - Mental Health & Relationships: Understanding Trauma Bonds

Mental Health & Relationships: Understanding Trauma Bonds

Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT discusses the phenomena of the "trauma bond", and the role...