Tag: Neurodiversity

Cover image - Epilepsy Advocacy- Speaking Out and Making a Difference

Epilepsy Advocacy: Speaking Out and Making a Difference

Epilepsy self-advocate Tom McGranahan, Jr. discusses why he believes advocacy is so important....
Cover image - My Journey Into the World of Neurodiversity

My Journey Into the World of Neurodiversity

Manisha Lad shares her journey towards creating the Akhil Autism Foundation, and how they...
Cover image - Autism Advocacy & Siblings, with Hayley and Matthew Leach | EDB 306

Autism Advocacy & Siblings, with Hayley and Matthew Leach | EDB 306

VIDEO - Miss Missouri 2023 Hayley Leach & self-advocate Matthew Leach discuss being siblings...
Cover image - Mental Health & Relationships: Navigating Manipulation in Dating

Mental Health & Relationships: Navigating Manipulation in Dating

Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT discusses her experience recognizing signs of manipulation while dating....
Cover image - ADHD and Friendships

ADHD and Friendships

Self-advocate Cynthia Hammer, MSW highlights challenges people with ADHD can have with friendships, and...
Cover image - Resources for Caregiver Challenges | DB Caregiver Webinar Series pt.5

Resources for Caregiver Challenges | DB Caregiver Webinar Series pt.5

VIDEO - Presenters Pati Fizzano, Melodie Plaise and Carolina Leon address the overall issues...
Cover image - Atlas Primer: Making Education Accessible, with Hinrik Jósafat Atlason | EDB 305

Atlas Primer: Making Education Accessible, with Hinrik Jósafat Atlason | EDB 305

VIDEO - Atlas Primer CEO and founder Hinrik Jósafat Atlason shares how the learning...
Cover image - The Never Quite Empty Nest

The Never Quite Empty Nest

Autism mom Wendy Lyman discusses her experiences with "empty nest" syndrome, while offering continuing...
Cover image - Understanding Ego

Understanding Ego

Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT explores the difference between "strong", "weak", and "big" egos, and...
Cover image - Neurodiversity in S.T.E.M. Education, with the TERC Team | EDB 304

Neurodiversity in S.T.E.M. Education, with the TERC Team | EDB 304

VIDEO - Team members from TERC share the organization’s innovative work for making S.T.E.M....
Cover image - When Leaders Need a Recharge

When Leaders Need a Recharge

Denise D. Resnik discusses the 12th First Place Global Leadership Institute symposium, snd how...
Cover image - Caregiving and Cultural Diversity | DB Caregiver Webinar Series pt.4

Caregiving and Cultural Diversity | DB Caregiver Webinar Series pt.4

VIDEO - Presenters Pati Fizzano, Melodie Plaise and Carolina Leon address cultural diversity to...
Cover Image - How to get into Flow State?

How to get into Flow State? | ADHD Power Tools #103

VIDEO - In this episode of ADHD Power Tools Ali and Brooke discuss discuss...
Cover image - Making Democracy Accessible, with Travis Misurell | EDB 302

Making Democracy Accessible, with Travis Misurell | EDB 302

VIDEO - Autism self-advocate Travis Misurell shares how the Future Is Now Coalition is...
Cover image - Lack of Empathy and What You Can Do Lack of empathy is not sufficient for a diagnosis of narcissism but it underlies several narcissistic traits, such as arrogance, entitlement, and being exploitative. On the other hand, a lack of empathy can be associated with borderline personality disorder, autism, bipolar disorder, and sociopathy, as well as more benign problems, such as low emotional intelligence, stress, and alexithymia. Alexithymia (a restricted ability to identify and describe emotions) is often caused by a lack of appropriate emotional modeling during childhood and may be related to depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and some medical conditions. When a parent is self-centered due to addiction, depression, or a personality disorder and they were unable to appropriately attune to your emotions, then your ability to identify them may become impaired. When a lack of empathy is not a sign of full-fledged narcissistic personality disorder (as distinguished from having some narcissistic traits, the person may be able to learn empathy. Brain Differences There are several areas in the brain that regulate compassion. These areas impact positive emotions and behavior toward other people, such as remorse, empathy, appreciation, and gratitude. For some individuals due to atypical patterns in these regions, they process interactions with other people differently, which leads to problems with social cues and empathy. For example, this is true in narcissistic personality disorder. According to neuropsychologist Ronda Freeman, narcissists have a brain pattern that reflects hypersensitivity toward themselves and insensitivity toward others. This explains their self-centered coldness toward others, narcissistic abuse, and their exquisite sensitivity to any perceived slight or criticism. What is Empathy Empathy is the ability to understand other people’s feelings and needs. There is cognitive and emotional empathy. Cognitive empathy is the ability to understand intellectually and take the other person’s perspective. Emotional empathy is the ability to identify with what another person feels through shared experiences of emotional situations. A person who lacks empathy may struggle with regulating their own feelings. Many narcissists have cognitive empathy and can use their skill to manipulate other people, yet they’re often unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others. The Impact of Lack of Empathy When a parent or partner lacks empathy, you might feel unimportant, uncared about, and unloved – that your needs and feelings, essentially YOU, don’t matter. Conversations are frustrating, because you don’t feel understood or seen. Our emotions are such a core part of ourselves that when loved ones are not attuned to them or our needs, we feel alone and disconnected from them. In childhood, these feelings lead to shame and distort your self-concept when your parent lacks empathy. It is a trauma of emotional abandonment that can lead to relationships where you feel the same way. Since you don’t feel you deserve better treatment, you’re more likely to deny and tolerate a partner who lacks empathy. You might rationalize their behavior by judging yourself or just trying harder to please and get love. It can create an insecure, anxious attachment style. Signs of Lack of Empathy These signs should be considered altogether to paint an individual’s profile. One sign may be insufficient to indicate an inability to empathize, especially if it is only occasional, while other traits are more serious. Even many people capable of empathy are unable to empathize or take your perspective when put on the defensive or in a heated argument. Remember that in most cases, the inability to empathize originates in the brain and is unconscious and not willful. Although the person may intellectually understand right from wrong, their brain makes them more self-focused and insensitive to the feelings and needs of others. Here is a list of some of the consequences that impact empathy and compassion: 1. 1. Self-Centeredness a. The person does not consider other people and is not interested in your needs and feelings. The relationship feels one-sided and all about them. 2. 2. Indifferent to the suffering of others or animals a. This shows a degree of coldness; however, some people are only moved by the suffering of loved ones, while other people empathize with plants. 3. 3. Indifferent for your successes and good news a. It’s a sign they only care about themselves when you share your successes – except in instances where you have implemented their ideas, which they can take pride in. 4. 4. Monopolizes conversations a. This indicates they lack interest in you or getting to know your feelings. They are often poor listeners. Someone insecure or a narcissist may be envious of and competitive with you and withhold praise and encouragement. 5. 5. Disregards your boundaries a. Because they lack empathy, your needs and feelings are unimportant. Narcissists don’t see other people as separate from themselves, so there is no boundary for them. 6. 6. Won't compromise a. A person who disregards your needs and feelings won’t be motivated to compromise. Narcissists act as if it’s “My way, or the highway.” Decisions must favor them despite your protest. They place their interests before yours and the welfare of the relationship. 7. 7. Lacks responsibility and regret for hurting people a. A person without empathy isn’t aware of their impact on other people. Narcissists almost never take responsibility for their actions due to their shame and rarely admit mistakes. When you explain it to them, they might not care – especially true of a narcissist. 8. 8. Never apologizes a. Because of No. 7, a person without empathy, particularly narcissists, rarely apologize. Some narcissists do apologize, but it may be a manipulation to get their needs met by you. You may be unable to tell whether they’re sincere. Notice if they repeat the same objectionable behavior and act like the apology never happened. 9. 9. Unaware of their impact on others socially a. Without empathy, a person may act inappropriately, unless they have been taught or learned by observation how people behave. For example, they learn to say please and thank you. Still, there are situations where they are obnoxious or inappropriate, such as asking a widow for a favor at her husband’s funeral. Larry David on “Curb Your Enthusiasm” continually makes these faux pas. Unlike most narcissists, he tries to make amends and apologizes but he usually compounds his error. 10. 10. Impatient with other people, their emotions and problems a. Because they don’t understand and care about other people’s feelings, another person’s feelings and misfortune are often considered irrelevant and treated as an inconvenience. Your feelings and problems are of no consequence – unless they impact them. 11. 11. Harshly critical of other people a. Someone without empathy who prioritizes their needs and feelings above other people tries to control their environment to suit them. They want other people to behave in ways that meet their needs. Rather than take responsibility for their own discomfort, they blame and expect other people to calm their inner turmoil. 12. 12. Limited forgiveness a. Narcissists and other aggressive individuals without empathy often hold grudges and can’t forgive other people for their mistakes or weaknesses. They are just as hard on themselves due to internal shame, but rarely reveal that. In their eyes, forgiving someone also gives the other person power, and they want to retain power and control to feel safe. 13. 13. Takes but won't share or reciprocate a. A self-centered person, particularly a narcissist, feels entitled to have things go their way. It also is an expression of power and dominance, which makes them feel safe. They can dish and have endless demands, but won’t give – unless it benefits them. 14. 14. Treats service employees as personal servants a. People without empathy don’t realize people have feelings just as they do. Narcissists view other people as objects to serve their needs. They are also arrogant, status-conscious, and feel entitled. They look down on people of a lower status and those being paid for a service. 15. 15. Feels entitled to exploit people a. Not everyone who lacks empathy exploits people, but a lack of empathy makes it easier to do so. Because narcissists lack empathy and feel entitled, even if they’re made aware of the impact of their behavior, they may not care – unless they stand to suffer from their exploitative behavior. 16. 16. Victim-blaming a. Rather than take responsibility for their behavior and injury to other people, they blame someone else, including the person they hurt. See D.A.R.V.O. 17. 17. Difficulty understanding and regulating their emotions a. Just as they have difficulty understanding other people’s emotions, they can’t regulate their own. They blame other people for their feelings and try to control other people instead of themselves. 18. 18. They believe their children owe them a. This is particularly true of narcissists who see their children as objects and expect them to take care of their needs rather than the other way around. What You Can Do Your options will vary depending on the cause of the person’s inability to empathize. Most people with a personality disorder can be motivated to understand you cognitively and pay attention to your needs, although they may not be able to feel what you feel. 1. Identify your feelings when you’re not understood. If you have strong feelings of hurt or anger, you may be experiencing a trauma reaction from childhood. Journal about related childhood experiences. 2. Detach from the other person’s lack of empathy. They never learned it and/or their brain lacks that capacity. Remember QTIP: Quit Taking It Personally. 3. Model empathy. Identify and name feelings, and communicate the impact of the person’s behavior. With an abuser, use Strategic Transactional Communication described in my book on narcissism. (This teaches empathy and is especially important with children.) 4. Have a calm, empathetic, nonjudgmental conversation about the problem. Be assertive. Let the person know the impact on you, the relationship, what’s missing, and how things would feel if the person made an effort to understand you better. Be patient. Most people don’t like to hear about their shortcomings and may deny them at first. Don’t try to solve the problem in the first conversation. Ask the person if they would think about your concerns. Allow your words to sink in. 5. If the person is not interested in discussing this or dismisses your feelings, use Strategic Transactional Communication described in Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships to motivate them and to get your needs met. 6. Practice compassion for yourself and the other person to accept their limitations. Find empathetic people to talk to. Listen to the Self-Love Meditation. 7. Get counseling to heal past and present trauma around emotional abandonment. 8 Motivate the other person to seek therapy. Perhaps this issue has hindered their other relationships or success at work. Use Strategic Transactional Communication to motivate them. See Therapy for Narcissists. © 2023 Darlene Lancer Karukivi M, Saarijärvi S. “Development of alexithymic personality features.” World J Psychiatry. 2014 Dec 22;4(4):91-102. doi: 10.5498/wjp.v4.i4.9.1 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4274591/

Lack of Empathy and What You Can Do

Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT explores signs and impacts of a lack of empathy, and...
Cocer image - Psychology & Social Justice, with Lauren Shure, Ph.D., LMHC | EDB 301

Psychology & Social Justice, with Lauren Shure, Ph.D., LMHC | EDB 301

VIDEO - Dr. Lauren Shure discusses social justice in the field of psychology, and...
Cover image - Tool Kits for Work / Life Balance | DB Caregiver Webinar Series pt.3

Tool Kits for Work / Life Balance | DB Caregiver Webinar Series pt.3

VIDEO - Presenters Pati Fizzano, Melodie Plaise and Carolina Leon provides caregiver with practical...

The Autistic Traveler: An Introduction

Stephen Gaiber, aka The Autistic Traveler, shares his history of international travel, and his...
Cover image - ADHD and Tab Hoarding

ADHD and Tab Hoarding

ADHD self-advocate Nicholas Bamonte discusses the phenomena of tab hoarding, and offers tools to...
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What is Flow State? | ADHD Power Tools #102

(VIDEO - 10 mins) In this episode of ADHD Power Tools Ali and Brooke...
Cover image - Doggone Helpful: A Look at Service Dogs

Doggone Helpful: A Look at Service Dogs

Kim Lew discusses the benefits of service dogs, and how to find one, with...
Cover image - Networking & Community for Caregivers | DB Caregiver Webinar Series pt.2

Networking & Community for Caregivers | DB Caregiver Webinar Series pt.2

VIDEO - Presenters Melodie Plaise and Carolina Leon explore the importance of networking and...
Cover image - Back to School with ADHD, with Brooke Schnittman MA, PCC, BCC | EDB 299

Back to School with ADHD, with Brooke Schnittman MA, PCC, BCC | EDB 299

VIDEO - ADHD Coach & self-advocate Brooke Schnittman MA, PCC, BCC shares tips for...
Cover image - Parenting, Comorbidities, and the Serenity Prayer

Parenting, Comorbidities, and the Serenity Prayer

Wendy Lyman shares her journey towards understanding her autistic son's co-occurring diagnoses....
Cover image - Self-Care & Mindfulness for Caregivers | DB Caregiver Webinar Series pt.1

Self-Care & Mindfulness for Caregivers | DB Caregiver Webinar Series pt.1

VIDEO - Presenters Carolina Leon, Melodie Plaise, and Pati Fizzano discuss the importance of...
Cover image - Myths About Narcissism

Myths About Narcissism

Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT explores and debunks common myths about Narcissistic Personality Disorder....
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Traveling with Disabilities, with Dr. JR Harding | EDB 298

VIDEO - Celebrated disability advocate and author, FSU’s Dr. JR Harding, discusses his world...
Cover image - Missed & Misdiagnosed: The Importance Of Screening For Neurodiversity In The Criminal Justice System

Missed & Misdiagnosed: The Importance Of Screening For Neurodiversity In The Criminal Justice System

Helen Arnold-Richardson discusses the importance of screening and diagnosing neurodivergent individuals in the Criminal...
Cover image - Pioneering Workplace Inclusion, with Dr. JR Harding | EDB 297

Pioneering Workplace Inclusion, with Dr. JR Harding | EDB 297

VIDEO - Celebrated disability advocate and author, FSU’s Dr. JR Harding, discusses his work...
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My Story of Autistic Burnout & Recovery

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One Individual’s Journey With ADHD

Self-advocate Camilla Watson details her personal experiences with undiagnosed ADHD, and how she received...
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Launching Neurodivergent Careers, with Hilary Kokenda of Zavikon | EDB 296

VIDEO - Zavikon COO Hilary Kokenda discusses their work creating and facilitating career opportunities...
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Mental Health & Relationships: What Are Interdependent Relationships?

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Neurodivergent in College, with Eric Endlich, Ph.D. | EDB 249

(VIDEO - 32 mins) Dr. Eric Endlich discusses his work helping neurodivergent students find...
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Autism & Communication: I Don’t Understand You… Here’s How You Can Help

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Succeeding After Trauma, with Jose Del Cueto | EDB 294

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Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT highlights the dangers and repercussions of suffering emotional abuse....
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“How I Became a Birdwatcher” by Zachary Hoaglund | DB Speakers Bureau

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Becoming a Mental Health Professional, with Dr. Mark Goulston | EDB 293

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Is ADHD a Disability or a Difference?

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Cover image - Mental Health & Relationships: Dealing with an Abuser or Narcissist

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Cover image - A Neurodivergent’s Journey into J.O.Y.

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